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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-04-29 06:00:53.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/AITATAsharkymark. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: tentatively hopeful
Original Post: March 16, 2024
I (27M) have two stepbrothers, Justin (30M) and Evan (27M), our parents have been married for 15 years. I was close to be both throughout my teen years, however Evan and I no longer speak since we were 22. This is entirely my fault as I slept with his recent ex-girlfriend. I fucked up and ruined our relationship, and he will likely never speak to me again. I deserve it, and do not blame Evan at all. Justin and my stepmother also didn’t speak to me for a couple years.
Evan doesn’t want to see me, and so we havent been in the same room since we were 22 either. how this works is basically Evan getting invited first to anything that Justin or our parents are planning, and I am invited if he can’t make it. I know it’s awkward, and that I’ve cause this situation, I am just glad to see them at all, so it isn’t my place to complain.
Justin is getting married on Monday, and Evan is his best man. Justin and I haven’t really talked about the wedding at all, since I’m obviously not invited it would be awkward to do so. I booked a trip overseas during the time of his wedding, to get away instead of being home and sad not to be there. I didn’t tell Justin or our parents, because there was no need to bring it up. we all know I wasn’t going to be there, and why.
on Friday night Justin tried to call me but I was sleep (middle of the night where I am right now). I got his message this morning asking me to call him, and saying Evan has agreed I could come to the wedding and that he really wants me there. if I was home the wedding would be 45mins away and I’d go in a heartbeat, but im in Europe with a friend from college.
I told Justin that unfortunately I can’t make it because I’m away. now he’s mad at me for not telling him I was going away, and for all the effort he spent in convincing Evan to let me come. but I never asked him to do that, and I would have told him not to because I don’t think its fair to Evan who has sat a boundary. I’m not trying to cause him more pain.
Justin is pissed at me, and blocked me. one of cousins said he’s furious, and said like Evan he’s through with me. my dad called me later and told me if it’s about money he’d buy my ticket home, but I explained its not just about money (although a lot of the trip is unrefundable). if it was just me I’d consider going home, but im traveling with a friend who didn’t sign up to be in Europe for 10 days by himself.
My cousins and my dad think I’m being an asshole not coming to the wedding. but I think it’s unfair when the wedding is in two days. I know that the situation exists because of my actions, but AITA for not flying back tomorrow to attend the wedding?
edit: i know the majority said im NTA, but i spoke with my friend and im catching a flight home today (Monday) and coming back on Tuesday. I cant lose another brother or the opportunity to see evan. i dont think it was fair to ask, but i cant risk it.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Total NTA and your family are all idiots. You slept with dude’s ex five years ago and they’re still mad? And now they’re mad because you declined a late wedding invitation? That’s just nuts.
OOP: they had dated for 5 years and had been broken up for a month, and he hadn’t wanted the relationship to end. it was absolutely wrong of me, and I completely understand why he wants nothing to do with me. he was still in love with her and I knew that, because he was my brother and my best friend. I fucked up, and so I can’t be defended for what I did 5 years ago. it was bad, it was wrong. if I could take it back I would. I don’t think Evan is overreacting by cutting me out of his life, as much as I miss him and wish I could change it.
Commenter: INFO: Knowing what you did about Evan’s feelings and your relationship with him, how did you wind up sleeping with his ex?
OOP: Evan and I hadn’t really been getting along for a couple months. (I should have realised once they broke up that the reason he was being a difficult during this time was because he was stressed because of his relationship problems, but I didn’t. he just felt like he kept being an ass to me. and then when they broke up and I was trying to be there for him he made comments about how I dont understand because I’ve never had a gf as great as she was. which, I mean, I hadn’t had a longterm gf at that point, and that was a sore spot for me and he knew it. I was trying to be a good brother and support him and he kept being an asshole to me.
I was mad at him and hurt by him. I went out one night, saw her there. we started talking, then we kissed and then went home. what was going through my mind was he said I could never get with a girl like that, so I did it.
Commenter: Your brother doesn’t own her. Your entire family is being absolutely ridiculous and have convinced you that it’s your fault. I recommend therapy, because this doesn’t sound healthy.
OOP: i do have to admit, i am surprised at the number of people that think what i did wasnt that bad. I truly do not hold that position, and its not from my family convincing me. I believe that after they broke up my brother ex could move on and he doesnt have the right to shame her for it or to be mad at her for it (although im not sure what being mad at an ex accomplishes?), but i do truly think that my sleeping with her was wrong. it’s not about what she’s free to do, its about what i as his brother and friend shouldnt have done. i’d be pissed if the same thing was done to me, idk if it would last for 5 years, but id be mad. again, not mad at her, but mad at him.
Commenter: You are definitely NTA. Kudos on the self-awareness and taking responsibility for your actions. Can your dad buy your travel friend a ticket as well? Would your friend be interested in going to Justin’s wedding?
Seems like a golden opportunity to mend relationships BUT also, by Justin’s immature reaction, maybe the relationship is not ready to be mended yet.
OOP: the thing is, I didn’t think Justin and I were in a bad place. he was at my birthday, he invited me to his new year’s eve party. it’s just known that Evan doesn’t want to see me (for I think very justified reasons) and so if he is coming I don’t get invited. yes this sucks for me sometimes, but I am the one that fractured the relationship and so this is a side effect of that.
Commenter: OP, what about your dad? Where has he been in all this because it sounds like your dad keeps choosing his wife and her kids over his own kid. I get maybe a month of “you could have been more tactful, son,” but not 5 YEARS of letting his son be essentially thrown out of the family for one misguided adventure. And now he is chucking a tantrum because “family” so basically your only family when it suits them. Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life
OOP: I do stuff with my dad all the time. if he’s doing something he always asks me first. but it’s also not like he plans a lot of stuff, usually my stepmom plans holidays and so she sends the invites first, and I get it. but like that first Christmas when Justin also wasn’t speaking to me and obviously I wasnt invited home, he came to spend lunchtime with me. he never abandoned me.
Commenter: So I have a couple questions- how did step mommy treat you vs her kids when you were younger? Was there contention? I’m getting the feeling she’s the one who’s been behind this elongated estrangement. Probably whispering in Evan’s ear to continue it. I honestly don’t know any dudes who would still be this upset, over 5 years later, about an ex - not ex wife or ex fiancé or mother of child - but ex girlfriend. I saw you commented Evan said something along the lines of “you wouldn’t understand because you’d never get a girl like her” and you pulled a hold my beer moment. Did your step brother’s always treat you and talk down to you condescendingly? Seems like there’s way more to the relationships/dynamics than you’ve let on. Were you always the odd man out at your dad’s house?
OOP: my stepmother never treated me badly. I met her when I was like 10 or 11, and her and my dad got married when I was 12 I think. they didn’t move in together until right before the wedding, so she wasn’t really helping to raise me until I was 12, which is a little older. it was fine. yeah she was closer to my Justin and Evan and did more for them, but she and I still had our things. the flip side is my dad was closer to and did more for me probably. also, big difference is Justin and Evan lived there full-time, while I was mostly every other week because I also lived with my bio-mom, while Justin and Evan did not have a relationship with their bio-dad, at all. there wasn’t contention. I seriously doubt she was encouraging Evan to continue it. when I graduated she was the one hounding me for my graduation picture so she could hang it on the wall.
I know some people have said they don’t understand Evan being this mad, for this long, but I think I do. …
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