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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-15 04:00:05+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Objective-Search5603
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/writingadvice
AITA for going home early on a family vacation after my mother in law constantly invaded my privacy?
Original Post: August 8, 2024
I, 38M, am the solo breadwinner of this house. I have a wife 35F and a daughter 5F. Me and my wife has been planning this family vacation to Venice for months. For context, my daughter is very little and she needs constant attention or she will get into trouble.
Venice has always been my wife’s idea of a romantic city, so it’s been her dream to go there. However, we can’t just leave our daughter at home. We initially wanted to leave her at my MIL’s house, but she wanted to come with us and my MIL said that it was her dream to visit too. My wife was very supportive of this idea, but I was more reluctant. My wife planned everything, booking the hotels and the restaurants.
However, to my dismay, she booked 1 rooms of 2 queens instead of two rooms with two kings. I planned for this to be a romantic getaway, and did not want my daughter in the room with us. We could easily afford two rooms, but my wife wanted to keep an eye on her as well.
To make matters worse, my MIL was constantly in my space. She also had to share all of my wife’s expensive products (facewash, shampoo, lotion, etc).
My daughter likes to sit on our bed when me and my wife are gone to the city, and I come back to see that MIL was sitting on our bed too. It is very unhygienic to me and I don’t like that she was sitting on the bed that me and my wife share, as I am a very private person. She also rummaged through our suitcase looking for a hair tie, and it really irked me that she did so without asking me. I don’t like the thought of her looking through our stuff when we’re gone, so I locked it.
The final straw was when I woke up in the morning, I saw that MIL has yet again, forgotten something. For the last few days, she’s been sharing the same toothpaste as me and my wife! I don’t like the thought of her putting her tooth brush close to (or even on) the toothpaste nozzle and I was ill the more I thought about it. I asked MIL if the only reason she came was to freeload off of me and my wife, as she didn’t pay for any of the expenses (hotel, amenities, food), only her own plane tickets. I said that I’ve asked her politely several times to stop using my wife’s stuff, especially because I share it with her and it’s very inappropriate.
My MIL was very upset and told my wife, and my wife screamed at me. I was very angry that the trip that I paid with MY OWN MONEY was now ruined, and I changed the date of my plane ticket and went straight home. My wife has called me several times afterwards, screaming at me and saying that our daughter is upset. I feel bad that our daughter was caught in the situation, but it was really not acceptable what my MIL did and I had to set some boundaries before it gets worse.
My wife has her own card and enough money to stay there. I’m not sure about her plans about staying or not. I’ve been ignoring her calls to take sometime for my own mental health.
Edit: Thank you to everyone that responded. I’m reading through each response carefully and I have realized my mistakes. I’m taking tonight to write a sincere apology and I will be calling my wife first thing in the morning tomorrow. Thank you again. I love her more than anything and I want to make amends.
FINAL UPDATE: I just called my wife to deliver my sincere apology. I am writing this with a heavy heart. She has blocked my number, and my MIL informed me that she will be looking into divorce proceedings. I have never thought about this happening, and I am at a loss of what to do. I have failed our family, as a husband and as a father. I am not angry at my wife for this decision, but I still cling to the hope that I can turn this around. I am about to lose the love of my life, over a stupid mistake that I made. I was not rational when I stormed off. She did not deserve any of my attitude. I am praying at this moment that after sometime off and after I change myself for the better, she will reconsider this divorce. I am going to contact a therapist and marriage counselling after posting this. I feel myself spiraling and I don’t want to think how I ruined my life in the span of these 48 hours.
Again, thank you to everyone that responded. I will be logging off for a while and work through my thoughts. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do next. All I know is that I have lost the love of my life, and I have no way to contact her. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. My world has just come crashing down. I’m sorry Maria.
VERDICT: ASSHOLE
Relevant Comments
[Deleted Commenter]: YTA and NTA
First off, definitely YTA for just leaving like that. You are a grown man, that is married and has a kid. Talk things through, don’t just leave because you are upset.
Now, you are justified in feeling that way. It seems like you and your wife should have talked about your MIL joining you on this vacation. And also if it bothers you that much that you had to share a room, maybe next time be a little bit more involved in the planning of it so you aren’t the one that is unhappy with how it was arranged.
OOP: Thank you. I appreciate your answer, and I acknowledge that I was wrong for storming off like that. I definitely could’ve handled it better, especially with my wife. I do still believe that my MIL was intruding on our privacy, though I should’ve made it clearer in the beginning.
WagRE: Wow. Your wife books the wrong hotel room so your solution is to abandon her on her dream vacation, forcing her to care for your high-maintenance kindergartener on her own? Couldn’t you have booked a separate room for your MIL instead of abandoning your wife and child? YTA.
OOP: Thank you for your response. I definitely could’ve handled it better, but my temper got better of me in the moment. On second thought, I could’ve booked another hotel room but my judgement was clouded and didn’t think of that nor wanted to voice my concerns in the moment. It would’ve saved a lot of the hassle. I’m taking sometime for my mental health and I will be making amends with my wife, as I love her very much.
WagRE: I hope your wife accepts your amends. You might also be interested in learning about attachment styles and how that affects your relationships. You described a lot of avoidant behaviors. Personally, if a partner did that to me, I’d be seriously evaluating the relationship itself.
OOP: Thank you. I’ll be looking up what avoidant behaviors are, because I don’t want to do anything to hurt my wife’s feelings, though I realized that I have done so. Do you think a sincere apology will work, or should I seek therapy for anger management? It wounds me deeply that I have hurt my wife’s feelings, and I never want that to happen again.
sheramom4: YTA.
Your complaints are that MIL was using your WIFE’s products *not your products, sharing toothpaste and sitting on a hotel bed (which more than you and your wife have used), all while she babysat for you so that you could have a romantic trip? Oh and MIL had to pay for her own plane tickets for the privilege. So in the end, you are talking about a few dollars worth of product, a few cents of toothpaste, some meals and 1/5 of a hotel room, but she was “using” you.
And now you are ignoring your family after skipping the rest of the trip. I wouldn’t expect to be married for much longer.
OOP: Thank you for your response. It might’ve been how I was taught growing up, but I have deep respect for personal space and MIL didn’t ask me before going through our suitcase. It made me very uncomfortable at the thought of her going through my clothes (and potentially seeing my socks and underwear). However, I could’ve communicated it better or booked another room when we got there, as another user commented.
I do love my wife very much and I hope to make amends with her. I think miscommunication was at the root of the problem, as I was seeing the trip more as romantic and she saw it more as a family trip. I will take sometime for my mental health and to organize my thoughts, then I will apologize to my wife.
sheramom4: What about your wife’s mental health? You are ignoring her calls and left her in Europe with her mom and your mutual child.
I will tell you as a wife and mother, this would be a dealbreaker for me. As soon as the calls were being ignored that would be it. You seem to enjoy playing games.
OOP: Thank you for your perspective on things. I admit wasn’t taking the calls because I was afraid of her reaction, as I realize that I was in the wrong. My mental health recently has been very bad with the threat of being laid off, as I mentioned we all rely on my income, and all the stress turned into a breaking point on this trip, which I am wrong for. It was selfish of me to not take her calls, but I have a history of anxiety and didn’t want to spiral before I have thought through what I was going to say/apologize for. I’m going to write he…
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