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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-21 04:02:05+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/tsim12345
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
How do I (31f) tell my close friend (35f) that her “adult only” parties are offending people?
Trigger Warnings: entitlement
Original Post: August 10, 2024
First of all I would love a REAL adult only party where adults can talk and have conversations without kids interfering. She ain’t doing that. She is having a whole party for everyone to focus on HER kids only.
I need to know how to address this with her. This happened 2 times so far.
The first time, we pretty much all assumed that she had to have planned for childcare that must have backed out or something, but since we weren’t sure, we didn’t ask her. I think everyone felt awkward believing they were paying babysitters for an adult night and then having to have her kids at the dinner table, and them very actively part of the evening needing to be entertained (2 young kids).
Then, it happened again. She sent out events for a dinner party in the evening with adults only on the invitation. Then, when we got there, she had set up all these kids games everywhere. She arranged the night around everyone kind of playing with her kids and I could tell everyone felt awkward because people just wanted to have an adult night talking, but she had promised the kids that everyone would participate in the games they had set up and asked everyone if they wouldn’t mind playing with the kids.
I know that several people who attended the last event were very bothered by having to do this. People were whispering on the side about how they had to pay a babysitter for the night and would have rathered bring their kid along and the kids could have just played games together if it’s a family event.
We barely ever pay a sitter, so I was kind of confused about why I had to spend my very limited babysitter funds on a night that I didn’t even get to talk much with other adults because the kids were for sure the center of the evening. She even stopped everyone to gather around to look at the kids recent art projects and tell stories and sing.
Is this normal in other circles?
What would you do if this was your friend? If I do say something, how would you explain this so that the person isn’t mad or feels like you just don’t like their kid?
She was mad because everyone left early and she had catered the event but I think people didn’t want to stay and preferred to just go back to their kids because they felt a little disrespected by the way things went. People are saying they don’t want to hang out with her anymore. Idk what to do.
Relevant Comments
Temporary_4634: This is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Why is she so intent on the adults forming relationships with her kids and not their children???
OOP: She doesn’t have siblings. I think since the kids call her friends “aunts” and she wants her kids to be like “nieces” for us she wants to help that bond grow. But it would also be good to have our own kids be included. Hope that makes sense.
OOP responds to multiple comments that her friend’s behavior is not normal. What is the friend’s personality like?
OOP: I can’t explain like her entire personality but I don’t think she is actively manipulating because she is a very kind and considerate person in all other ways. It’s like she truly isn’t realizing that people are bothered. I don’t know if it is because she thinks we all love her kids so much that we want to spend quality time with them without our own kids distracting us?? We do love her kids! But I prefer to also bring my own kid so they can all play together. I thought she also loved my kid and would want them to be there to play as well. If that’s not the case, then I guess the friendship would be over. + You explained it perfectly. We are so all shocked and confused it’s like how does she think this is normal what is going on in her head and how do I bring it up without knowing her reasons?? She was SO happy for the gathering and felt it went great at first (before we left early). So it’s hard to burst a bubble. But I have some great advice and fully plan on addressing it with her at the right time now.
OOP on if her friend feels her children are more prioritized than the other children in the group
OOP: Oh she for sure believes that! She gave her kids everyone’s numbers and they text and call us from their little kid phones! I didn’t even mention all that cause it wasn’t relevant to the party thing. If I’m being fully honest it’s a bit much. She def is like very attached to the idea of us all being a close part of her kids’ lives and getting upset if anyone misses their events or activities. The kids do not seem to notice. + All of us have been there since before they were born. Nobody has been a stranger. I have been holding them in my arms since they were a day old and fresh from the hospital lol. The girls call us their “aunts”. This is normal to us and common for moms best friend to be an “aunt” but may not be in your region or area.
Update: August 14, 2024
Hi, everyone. I never expected so many people would have been interested in this situation but I think it helps me feel vindicated that the situation was just as strange as I had perceived it to be.
I wanted to wait for the kids to get back into school so we could discuss it in person. And luckily I didn’t even have to bring it up because someone else did bring it up to her and she was eager to tell me that people were mad and she didn’t know what the problem is with what she did.
I was able to get through to her (I’ll call her Katie in this post) and also understand her perspective (understand, not agree with) which I’ll try to explain here the best I can. I cannot remember every detail of the conversation but can paraphrase all the key parts.
- She had been upset because one of our friends (Molly) was taking care of her toddler while Katie’s kid kept trying to show her something. Katie noticed this and felt bad that her daughter just wants to share things with people she thinks of as her family/aunts (we are just friends but the kids call each other aunts and each others kids “cousins”) so she wanted to build a stronger relationship between her kids and her close friends. She thought that us spending time with her kids away from our kids would be the way for us to show her kids better attention. This is especially important to her because she is an only child, her parents are dead, her husband is an only child and his parents are dead. Her children have no biological family. She is worried about what will happen to them if she died etc… her mom died when she was a teenager and she feels anxious about her health.
- She doesn’t feel that other peoples kids need this same type of bond with her because our kids have biological aunts, uncles, and cousins. She thinks they should be able to go spend time with their biological family and assumed that we were all sending our kids to our family and not paying a babysitter. She has no understanding of what it’s actually like and romanticizes it. She was shocked to find that my siblings don’t just drop their lives to babysit my kid. People who have siblings still pay babysitters, and did for her parties.
- She feels that she paid for all the food and wine and that alone should cover the expense of the babysitter even if we did pay one. She knows that paying a sitter plus dinner would still cost more since she catered everything from a very expensive place and we should have just been happy to get free food and drink and if playing some kids game is the price for that, it’s not a “bad price.” Essentially, she argued at first that if someone pays for everything, they can decide and if we want a different type of gathering we can foot the bill and throw that gathering.
Now. How I handled this… That last note did eventually change to a more understanding perspective as I explained more and more about how even though she is technically right, she CANNOT maintain strong friendships with this mindset. You cannot provide meals for people with strings attached and deception involved (we didn’t know until we got there) and expect us to love it. She can do whatever she likes, but people can also end a friendship if they like, so she is free to do it but not free from the consequences of it.
I also was very clear to her that if her goal is to get stronger bonds for her kids, the way to do that is to love and bond with our kids and INCLUDE them. That part seemed to be totally unexpected to her. I had to explain that people will be so upset by the fact that she isn’t including their kids in kid events or isn’t accepting that a parent needs to take care of their own kid first before focusing on hers that they won’t even want to be part of her “family” because that isn’t what a family is. My sister doesn’t expect me to leave my kid behind and be only with my nephews. My sister would never tell me to not bring my daughter to a family event because she LOVES my daughter and that makes me love her and my nephews even more. I had to explain all this.
Lastly, she i…
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