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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-28 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Artistic-Minute-4365
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for losing it and calling my father a weak pathetic man in front of his family?
Thanks to u/soayherder + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: emotional and verbal abuse, mental health issues, death of a parent
Original Post: August 18, 2024
My father has always been against any confrontation or arguments. He is extremely passive, refuses to stand up for himself, and avoids any conflict. If someone isn’t paying attention while walking and bumps into him, he insist it’s his own fault. If his employer would mess up his salary, he wouldn’t bother fixing it. If a mechanic didn’t properly repair his car, he would just accept it as is.
This unfortunately resulted in a tumultuous childhood with my insanely narcissistic mother. She controlled his every move. She got him to quit his job and be a locked in stay at home dad. She had him do every chore. She insulted him at every step. She cheated on him relentlessly and even brought APs into our home. She enjoyed making his life miserable every day and he never questioned it. My extended family, God bless them, were there for me so many times as much as they could be. They tried for years to make my father leave but he never budged.
When she would direct her anger onto myself, in the form of screaming, insulting or general demeaning, my father never once found the guts to stand up for me or support me. When I was a kid if I cried to dad about something mom did or said to me he would sweep it under the rug or just insist I forget about it. Hell he would even try and justify it.
As I grew older it really set in for me how messed up this was. My mother gladly kicked me out of the house when I was 18 and my father just sat there and looked sullen. Didn’t say a damn thing. I joined the Air Force almost immediately and got stationed on the other side of the country. The dynamic was awful and I could have easily gone down the incel route if not for therapy and the amazing people I met along the way.
It took years for me to get in a better mental space. I was filled with hatred. My mother left my father 2 years after I got stationed and utterly destroyed my father in the divorce. She was killed a year later in a DUI with one of her APs. I took alot of joy in hearing that it took her hours to die, and that’s when I really knew I needed help to process things. I’m almost 30 now, have a girlfriend who is perhaps the best thing to ever happen in my life, and fully understands the situation with my family. I have learned to not allow myself to be consumed with anger and resentment by my past (or so I thought, you’ll see) and instead put that energy to my future.
I have been extraordinarily low contact/ near no contact with my father since I left. As much as I try, I cannot make that connection with him. I recently went to a family reunion and brought my girlfriend with me. My father was there as it was his side of the family. They have many issues with him but he is family so whatever I guess. I made sure to avoid him.
I was chatting with my uncles when I heard my father talk in the background. He was discussing how a coworker of his was going through a divorce as he discovered his wife was having an affair, and was positioned to have a very favorable divorce on his side. My father remarked how his coworker should work instead to forgive his wife and by his own words “set a good example for unity and forgiveness”, and how he believed he set a great example for me in that extent.
I swear it was like a switch went off in my head and I was mentally back to being the rage filled 18 year old. All these years and he never learned a damn thing. I turned to him and asked if he was fucking serious. He looked at me and started to stutter. I know the next minute was pure word vomit and I can’t relay it perfectly, but to sum it up I shouted how he was a pathetic father, pathetic man, his family all know he’s a disgrace of a human being who would rather his son be treated like shit then defend him because he’s a fucking coward, no one would ever see him as an example to live by, his wife would rather fuck half the neighborhood then even touch him, and he should never EVER believe anyone respects him
I began to derail and ramble between my shouting and my girlfriend quickly took me out and drove me home. It was insane just how quickly being away from him made me feel better. She just held me when we got back and told me it’s OK. Again, best thing to ever happen to me. I was ashamed of how I lost It and am now going to resume my therapy, that’s a given. However, I’m glad I finally unloaded ehay always needed to be said onto him
Extended family is pretty mixed with reactions. His brothers/my uncles said it was time for him to hear it from me, my grandparents are pissed I did that in front of the entire extended family, with some saying I should have done that behind closed doors instead of everyone.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA with a few YTAs
Relevant Comments
Mesmerizing-Taylor: It sounds like you finally got to express the pent-up feelings you’ve carried for so long. While the outburst wasn’t ideal, it seems like it was a necessary step towards healing. It’s good you’re resuming therapy to process this further.
OOP: Yeah afterwords it hit me that although it was very cathartic, It definitely wasn’t the most appropriate way to handle it lol
**nevertoomuchthought:**He sounds like a gentle, kind, and well-meaning person. You directed what is very clearly anger and resentment for your mother at him. It’s a bit more complicated than being an asshole or not. You seem to have got some catharsis out of it I just don’t believe he is the one you really wanted to scream at and from the sounds of it he was also a victim of your mother too. And while he was the adult and should have known better he obviously didn’t. Being nonconfrontational isn’t some character flaw. It’s psychological. And he probably needs therapy himself. Screaming at him and demeaning him actually sounds like something your mother probably did/would do and I worry about you if that is something that actually made you feel better about yourself.
OOP: Yes I fully admit he was a victim of my mother, but he was a victim who had a support system he never wanted to use, he fully let me be a victim my entire childhood because apparently it was too much effort to try, and to this day doesn’t believe he needs therapy
nevertoomuchthought: All I can say is based on your post and this interaction is your anger is deeply misguided. And you’re failing to recognize the truly horrifying thing. You’re behaving like the mother you actually should hate.
OOP: Oh trust me I fully hate her as well, but she is gone, and there is no use in holding a grudge against a dead person. I had hoped though, after his son making him an outsider in his life, his family openly joking face to face about his failings as a father, and his ex wife draining him for everything he had and making him start over in a one bedroom apartment, his friends slowly leaving his life one at a time out of embarrassment, that he would have maybe have at least one moment to reflect and maybe consider he should have done things differently
OOP getting therapy due to his past trauma
OOP: Eh yeah either way I need to hop back on the horse for therapy. It’ll be good for me. As for my grandparents, I really have had to look back as to how far this pattern of enabling goes back. I know they all did what they could to try and help, but it always seemed like there were times that more active measures could be taken. Times where people should have been far more stern with his addressing his behavior. The older generation on his side are the classical " they’re fanily and we stick together no matter what" and I have to think whether his passivenes and enabling is something he picked up on his own or something he learned from his own parents
Update: August 20, 2024
Thanks for the advice and recommendations, even amongst some of the YTA. However, some of them needed to he addressed because they were either hilarious or cringe worthy
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Some of them were very angry, and they kind of confused me at first until I saw their comments further down or saw their profile and saw rants about double standards or complete non sequitur ramblings about women. So yeah, not helpful advice and they were great dark reflections about how I could have turned out if not for the support in my life
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Some attempted to portray my dad as a humble, kind, caring sensitive old man who I’m just being a big bully to. This was a very good insight into how enablers of abuse get away with so much in todays worls, because so many people forget how they are part of the abuse themselves
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Some were attempting to mentally dissect me or have a gotcha moment with me to pull apart my story. That was generally asinine and I had to step away from those b…
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