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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/perspectives_on_life on 2023-10-27 01:08:10+00:00.
Marital Advice
I would appreciate any advice on my story. Long story ahead.
25(F) 25(M) We have been married for about 3 years now.
We have been together for about 7 years. I am his first serious relationship he has had.
When we first met we were in the honeymoon phase for about 2 years. He did not show signs of anything concerning. Then when we moved in with each other I learned quickly has depression and anxiety. I was very open to dealing with this with him and we were doing well. It got worse to the point where I asked him to talk to someone or see about medication because it was becoming mentally draining for me everyday to focus really hard on that when I knew I could also only help so much. After a while he did get on medication which has helped, this was about 5 years ago. 4 years ago his mom died, 3 years ago my father died which has created this bond between us to the point where we decided to get married. We were doing good together, I knew he was a bit of a negative person and I am very positive with a go with the flow attitude. I thought that I could some how allow him to see things in a more positive way but time has proved me wrong, it can get better at times but always goes back to the negativity and anxiety about doing anything. He has to have a strict schedule with everything otherwise he gets very upset that it was not followed correctly. He believes he is always right and calls everyone stupid all the time. When we moved in to our first house together and we were engaged I started noticing some other things but I just dealt with them. He decided that we weren’t having enough sex and had a calendar next to our bed to mark off when we were having sex, if it had been to long he would just tell me that it’s been “some days” since last time. I guess when that started happening it did not make me feel like it was spontaneous and romantic anymore. Mind we do not have kids together. At some point his negativity has started wearing me down and making me feel more down. I could deal with all of this that had happened and I was just moving on from it but then once we got married it seemed to get worse. He forced having a joint account which I told him I wasn’t comfortable with while we were engaged but he got very upset about it so I just went with it. It really has me thinking about what I want for myself when a year ago he thought it would be a good idea to grade me a 3/10 and said I needed to be better. His communication has always not been the greatest which is why I have asked him for years to seek counseling as the way he was communicating with me was not good. He said he didn’t mean it like I was a bad person he just said I needed to be better. He does not make me feel good about myself and makes me feel like he doesn’t want me to look pretty in public. He gets weary with what I wear in public and gets flustered if people look at me as well. I told him that really made me not feel good about myself the way he communicated it to me and not to do it again. He continuously says “I know I carry everyone on my fucking back” and when I ask him why he says stuff like that he says “it just means I’m doing too much”. Stil, we don’t have kids. He thinks life is stressful and has anxiety everyday about everything which I don’t. We have been disconnecting for at least 2 years now. Then 3 months ago he decided to grade me again on multiple things on his phone making me look like a terrible person with what I do around the house when that’s not the case. I just feel like his anxiety makes him feel like he is doing everything. At that time he also decided to make a list of people he has kissed or “dated” in middle school and high school. Also had 4 pages about negative things he thought I did or acted. I confronted him and he kind of laughed it off.
I know if I did that the whole world would end and I would get screamed at. I told him again that it hurts to see he thinks I’m doing so bad but won’t talk to me or texts me about stuff while I’m at work. I told him mentally I don’t know if I can deal with this longterm and with the way he acts I’m not ready and can’t even think about having kids right now.
He keeps telling me he just wants more affection and loving but it is hard to do that when at this point he has made me feel uncomfortable with myself and makes sex very awkward. What hurts me the most is he grades everything and since he graded me twice I feel like I cannot be a mother to his kids without feeling judged.
I dont know what to do, I have told him I am at the point now where I am mentally drained and about to leave and then he just turned into a completely different person being clingy which is making me uncomfortable even more…
TL;DR Any thoughts? I feel like marriage shouldn’t be this hard when we are so young with no kids.