Living in the world’s wealthiest and most powerful war machine, U.S. citizens have a unique perspective on how to blow their enemies off the face of the earth. The Onion asked Americans how they would end the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.

“Here’s how to end this once and for all: For the Palestinians, you confine them into two separate territories under duress, and for the Israelis, you give them an unlimited supply of weapons and funds. A positive outcome for both sides should come in a matter of days.”

  • TimewornTravelerEnglish
    37·
    8 months ago

    “Off the top of my head? I’d probably concentrate billions of dollars into the hands of a few international defense contractors and I suppose I’d call them Raytheon, Boeing, and Lockheed Martin, and then—gosh, I don’t know—I’d let them dictate U.S. foreign policy through gratuitous lobbying, and—just spitballing here—destabilize and antagonize nearby nations to protect our oil interests while providing unconditional aid to Israel, and then I guess I’d enable those defense companies to indiscriminately bomb the shit out of Gaza, and on top of all that, I guess I’d write a $14.5 billion check to Netanyahu for good measure.”

    Holy shit