Have any queer vibes to share? Here’s your place! 
Talk about what’s happening queerly in your life - like coming out, getting HRT, questioning, and all that good stuff.
No cishets allowed! 
hii hope everyone’s having a good week
After a year or so of thinking I was androgeneous I finally decided to explore my alt side and an awful lot of questions came with that. Before, it was kind of in the back of my mind like “haha wouldn’t it be so cool if you could dress/act/love like that? oh well” and now it’s at the forefront of my mind. I have read some of the literature in the faq on here and quite a lot of it resonates with me. I think I have a lot more exploring to do but it’s quite exciting
Things ended out getting worse at home, I’m going to be kicked out sometime in the next few months. I’m having some trouble finding housing and a job for when that happens though since it’s mid-school year and not a lot’s available, especially for my budget.
But I have my HRT and it’s made me feel a lot better. 2mg E and 50 mg Spiro. I’m taking the E sublingually but I feel like I keep messing it up when I do? I salivate too much and have to swallow but I feel like swallowing will somehow fuck me over in the long run so I end out with this uncomfortable middle ground of way too much saliva in my mouth before I swallow it anyways. Is there any particular way to fix this or is it just completely normal?
Overall for the effects I’ve mostly just noticed my head feeling clearer, as well as the libido plummeting already. Both are nice though.
Oh and my E is purple. That was genuinely really exciting for me for some reason.
I’m not sure I’ve had that issue with sublingual E but I know people who just don’t take it sublingually and just swallow the tablets and they are fine on E so I think your method with swallowing down the saliva is fine. I wish you the best of luck with finding housing and a job <3
Are there any friends who you might be able to crash with if things come to the worst? That might be what you have to do
Estrogens all have a very strong first pass metabolism when taken orally. The liver breaks down most of the stuff, which not only reduces efficiency and is a strain on the liver, but also increases risk of blood clots (most of the panic about HRT risks comes from this). This is why sublingual is a good deal safer and more efficient and why other routes like transdermal or injections are generally preferrable, but oral is ok if you regularly get bloodwork done and don’t have other blood clot risks (age, smoking, weight etc.)
This comment fact checked TRUE ☑️
Yeah I have friends that I’ve been discussing this with who I’d be able to stay with we just aren’t sure how long-term of a solution that would be. So I’m treating it as a temporary stop gap in case I get kicked out before whatever apartment I find accepts me in.
Awesome!
I finally feel very certain that I want an orchiectomy. I’ve always been very wary of surgery, but even thinking about my testosterone levels being wrong causes me too much anxiety and I’ve talked with a few friends who had it done, which eased my fears.
Now I have to navigate how to actually get it done. I have good insurance, but haven’t even set up my primary care yet.
Also painted my nails pink and I really like it. I came out 14 years ago but never painted my nails. Turns out I like it and should do it more.
I’ve been struggling with whether to get an orchi. I hate having the damn things and used to think that I’d probably be okay with having the other thing, but recently I began tucking on occasion and I feel so much more confident and just generally more at peace with my body when I have a good tuck going. So now I’m worried I might be unsatisfied in the long run so I’m questioning whether I want an orchi or vaginoplasty :/
Yeah I feel that. If I met a vagina fairy I’d get that shit done in an instant, but surgery is scary. An orchi is very much a compromise for me, and knowing how quick and smoothly my friends recovered helps a lot.
So now I’m worried I might be unsatisfied in the long run so I’m questioning whether I want an orchi or vaginoplasty
Wait, is that like an either or thing? Does getting an orchi interfere with vaginoplasty?
I’ve heard that scrotal tissue shrinking can be an issue re: having enough material to work with, but I haven’t actually researched this stuff since the 2000s so techniques may have improved.
I’ve heard the same which is why I’m having the second thoughts about getting an orchi. I should probably look into it more though. If it’s not an issue then I’m yeeting the balls asap lol
From my friends who’ve had orchis, the shrinkage issue is a bit overblown - its there for sure but there’s still tissue to work with. They said you could keep stretching it if you’d like as well.
Saying that, I’m skipping orchi for the same reason lol
Fuck, I was really sure I wanted an orchi but now I’m not so sure. I mean I want to get rid of my balls 100% no questions asked, but I’m still not sold on SRS. I kind of want it but I don’t know.
Scrotal tissue does play a role for depth when you get vaginoplasty, but there are workarounds when there’s lots of shrinkage or not much there in the first place. Among other things, you can use skin grafts from the upper thigh or belly, there’s a few surgeons that do a technique known as peritoneal pullthrough (you’d have to look up if your insurance covers that, though, it’s kinda cutting edge when it comes to vaginoplasty) and some even graft buccal tissue, that is, skin from the inside of your cheek, to line the vaginal cavity. You do not depend on having lots of scrotal skin for vaginal depth, but it does make the surgery easier and has less chance of complications during recovery.
Whatever you do, i can recommend researching surgeons a lot and to get an eventual orchi at a place where you’d also do a vaginoplasty. That will mean that if you change your mind, the surgeon will have done the orchi in a way that does not interfere with their technique for vaginoplasty too much. Also, if the main reason you want an orchi is not “i want to get rid of my balls, but keep my girldick”, but “i want to get bottom surgery, but a full vaginoplasty scares me”, it’s probably in order to think this through a bit more. I really recommend to go with what fits your sexual wants and needs and the way you see your post-transition body, not with what seems the easiest way. That can be either orchi or vaginoplasty, but it should be a decision you make based on what you really want to have in your pants.
The main reason I want to get an orchi is because I’m terrified of one day losing access to HRT and my body starting to produce testosterone again and reverting to how things were before. If I got an orchi then I wouldn’t have to worry about that and I’d not be making testosterone even if I lost HRT for a bit. I really don’t know what genitalia I want, that’s something I’ve got to do a lot of soul-searching on still. I’m still very confused about my sexuality and what I actually want out of that so that’s something I’ve got to figure out first too. I’ve got plenty of time, it’s going to be a long time before I get good insurance and a stable job to save enough money for surgery so it will be years before I get any procedure. Thank you for the info though!
Things have been super mixed for me recently. My now-ex and I broke up shortly after I came out, but we promised to stay best friends. But she recently did something that left me feeling really betrayed, in a “this will probably end our friendship” kind of way. And when that happened, I realized that there aren’t any cishet people who knew me pretransition and aren’t in my family who haven’t quietly cut ties or hurt me. And that really hurts.
But on another level I feel so happy with myself. My gf and I were playing heavily modded Skyrim and we came upon a modded quest we didn’t know about that involved helping a trans woman magically transition. And it was well written in a way that told me this was absolutely written by a transfem. And I had the startling realization that at this point, I wouldn’t use her spell myself. It’d be nice to have easy bottom surgery but like, I’m comfortable with where my body is now besides that. I’m even comfortable with my voice that I decided not to train. And god, that’s such a nice feeling, to be out of the hell that is early transition and in a better place re: my self image. I feel alive in a way I never had before
I wish I knew more trans people irl. I’ve tried hanging out with a couple of the people from my school’s queer club and while they’re nice, we really really have nothing in common beyond being queer and it make talking kind of difficult. Maybe I should just keep trying though, there’s more people there than just the three that I’ve met.
Went out for tge first time after transitioning wooooo 🥳 partying is more fun with boobs highly recommend
I really need to come out fully, but I can’t figure out how, and it’s leading to more and more awkward situations. Like Im boymoding in class, but I’ve been on HRT for ages, and my hair is quite long, so I look weird. There is one out trans woman in my major, and I ended up sitting next to her in a class. I’d love to be friends with her, but as it is now it’s super awkward. Like she definitely knows, and I know she knows, and she knows I know she knows, and probably everyone knows because we have a rather similar vibe. We don’t really talk outside of class though, but idk how to become friends if I’m still pretending to be a guy. It’s not the worst situation in the world, but just stuff like this keeps happening
Also, I’m worried that the boymoding will wreck my relationship with my gf, because she’s made it very clear that she doesn’t want to pretend to be in a straight relationship, so there’s lots of people I know who I can’t introduce her to.
Idk, how do you come out to a big group at once?
I’m admittedly kinda bad about this myself, but I’ve found it works to just, do it at the start of a semester. Especially if your class has introductions on the first day it’s really easy to do it then, at least if you can push past the discomfort. If your school uses your deadname maybe talk to the prof after class to make sure they get it. (My friends recommended emailing but I’ve heard horror stories about that so I haven’t done it ever)
In the case of the girl you want to be friends with though, you could just try talking to her to be friendlier (smalltalk can work, eventually it’ll develop into something closer to an actual discussion as you know each other better) then come out when you’re already friends. It’s what I did with the cool trans people in my classes and they’re my best friends now.
As for your other friends that you can’t introduce your gf to, try to come out to several of them at once while making sure that friends who already know are in the group too. It makes it much easier when you have that bit of backup to work with.
None of these are really the ideal way to do it though, I still haven’t figured that out myself so I stress over it anytime I need to come out to people.
I had a wonderful moment earlier this week where I was just feeling very myself and also noticed how much HRT has been aligning my body with my self image. And then on top of that I put on some old-ish jeans and realized how much better my thighs fill them out.
That said, unfortunately I have to echo what /u/ElectronNumberSeven said. I’ve been feeling lonely and a bit isolated. I have good friends, some are even queer. But I have no trans friends to talk to on a regular basis and I’ve been noticing that has been hurting me mentally since I feel like I need that sense of community. Does anyone have any tips?
I’m officially on waitlists for doctors to refer me for both top and bottom surgeries (through public healthcare. Could theoretically go private if I wanted to speed things up a lot, but not an option financially right now.)
~1 month to see a GP with specialized training who can refer me for top surgery (and then from what I know 2+ years before the surgery itself). ~2 years to see a psychiatrist for referral for bottom surgery (and then 8+ years for surgery).
Feels good because this is some sort of concrete progress. HRT changes are so slow
Idk if I want bottom surgery, but I figure if I do, I’ll know I do in a decade.
Congrats! I don’t know why the fuck it takes so long.
In Canada, it’s gonna be about 9 to 12 months from my initial referral to surgery for my bottom surgery and it’s covered. No idea why it takes so much longer where you’re at other than TERF fuckery.
What the heck, where are you in Canada??? I’m in Canada lol 💀 though I do think the FTM wait times are usually longer (but not like a decade longer??)
I’m in the Texas of Canada, so, iirc we only get something like 20 bottom surgeries a year? And we have ~500 people waiting for them.
lol no way so am I. Unless Berta somehow isn’t the Texas of Canada (anglo northern ontario has a decent claim too). They don’t send you to GrS in Montréal? I only know the MTF pathway, it’s all GrS except for FFS which is mostly in Montréal.
The UCP gov wasn’t funding ANY gender affirming surgeries for a while, from the election to about a month ago, so that could be why your wait is so out of whack. It wasn’t clear if it was a wait for them to fill cabinet positions and rehire the AHS board or just regular evil or just regular incompetence from our illustrious premier and her cabinet of morons. If you’re getting your stuff done in Berta, surgeries wait times especially “electives” are bad (I’m a nurse I see it every day) - and for whatever reason a lot of gender affirming surgeries are considered cosmetic and elective, I paid for my adams apple reduction for example.
Nah Alberta is definitely the Texas of Canada, haha.
Bottom surgery is in Montreal, yeah. How long did/do you have to wait to get referred for surgery? (Like, I can’t even see the psychiatrist who refers for bottom surgery for 2+ years because of that clinic’s wait time). Maybe the decade quote is specifically for phallo? I have no idea. Besides my waits to get referred (which are for the local gender clinic, and were given to me by their staff) the surgery referral to surgery waits are just based on what other trans people have told me.
Top is done here and may be faster than what I said, that’s just an estimate based on what people who started the process a touch before me have said.
I had to wait until 2 years post starting hrt, then I got referred to whoever in the Edmonton gender clinic refers you to GrS which is the 9 to 12 months thing (GrS has a backlog too but that was counted in it). Too bad phallo takes longer that’s a bummer :(
I mean, a longer wait time (although perhaps not a decade) works out okay for me, as I’m still not certain what, if any, bottom surgery I want.
Waiting 3-4+ years for top surgery, however, is unpleasant.
God learning to start makeup is intimidating, I know I’m going to look like shit and feel dysphoric the first couple of times I end up doing it which dissuades me from even wanting to start. Same issue with voice training, hearing my shitty voice is going to make things so much worse. Getting started is the hardest part though and I need to just power through it.
Cis women get to go through their bad makeup phase when they’re like 12. We gotta do it older.
When I started learning makeup, I’d do it literally every morning. When I started it took me 30 minutes and crying in the mirror, wiping it off and doing it again. But eventually like after a few months I could do it in under 10. Now I can put on liquid eyeliner in the car in 5 minutes no problemo, no Wipes needed. It just takes time.
Also I swear it gets fun eventually. Makeup actually is fun. The first hurdles suck but you can get through it, you’ve done harder shit
Mood. Someone I know is going to do makeup on me tomorrow! And then teach me some things too :) Maybe you can find someone to help you with it?
with voice training especially it’s so easy to put off because of how dysphoria inducing it is, but it’s always better to start sooner than later. it’s quite stressful being in a place where voice is the thing that outs you if you don’t want it to
fwiw i did voice practice 30 min to an hour a day and after a few months had the voice I needed. places like r/transvoice helped a lot
Yeah, starting sooner is better. I really should have started like a year ago when I started HRT but that ship has sailed. I’ll check out /r/transvoice though, thank you.
Makeup felt like fucking rocket science at first, but it’s actually not hard to get good results if you practice a little. It’s just the outstanding and jawdropping stuff that requires lots of skill and time in the bathroom. A bit of color correction and foundation to make my skin look smoother (and hide the remainder of my facial hair) and some eyeshadow and mascara to bring out my eyes is all i do most of the time and it’s easy, quick and works wonders. Could i do even more if i practiced super hard, spent a ton of money on cosmetics and would be in the bathroom for an extra hour each day? Hell yes, but i don’t have the nerve for that lol.
sex stuff
i cried again after topping, I think imma just give up on sex now
Cw sexual assault, venting
spoiler
so someone in my trans support group befriended me and over months, crossed my boundaries as far as a romantic relationship goes. Like, they would make romantic overtures, and I would turn them down. Then they would like… argue with me that actually it could work. I myself am v non confrontational and with pushback, would cave and be like I guess I’m open to it but I don’t feel anything. CW Ulstimately, this led to a situation though where I was in a hotel room with them and they pressured me into cuddling, then they were kissing me, touching me inappropriately, I was tipsy and high and I didn’t know what to do in the moment… they were using what was a vulnerable situation to take advantage. They even recognized like halfway through this that they could tell it was making me uncomfortable, then they kept going.
This happened a few weeks ago. I felt weird about it bit ultimately blamed myself for not being more firm. For like, freezing ans not saying no, but trying to communicate with body language at the time.
Anyway, so last week I find out that basically, no, they aren’t a bumbling idiot who can’t take social cues, they recognized that they were breaking my boundaries and trying to convince me to stick around for months. They told this to a mutual friend (who has now broken contact). They made me feel fucking crazy. They made me feel like all this time this was my fault they weren’t getting the message.
I feel intensely violated. I feel incredibly angry, betrayed, … this person showed up when I was literally at my most vulnerable and tried to fucking date me after I said NO multiple times. Tbh I feel like shit and I can’t think about anything else. I can’t work. I just stare at my computer really. Like, I don’t wanna feel this way, I don’t wanna worry about this bullshit, I want to transition in peace. I did tell the trans support group coordinator though and they have been removed, because they were also basically treating this support group like a potential dating pool for trans women who were significantly younger than them. They themselves were transfem but they also gave intense chaser vibes. I didn’t recognize it at the time though, which I feel stupid for.
I am taking a mental health day today and I think I’m gonna go thrift shopping and stuff. Idk. Sorry for the vent. It’s like all i can really thinknabout and tbh they know where I live and I’m kinda scared they’re gonna show up at my house too…||
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. what an absolutely disgusting way to treat someone. something like this is so complicated and shitty that having days where you need to just be to yourself makes sense. send warm vibes to you and hoping you never see that person again
💛 thank you so much
Came out to someone today
I wanna say congrats but it’s always a little iffy without knowing how it was received. But congrats on having the inner strength and fortitude to do it!!
deleted by creator
It’s alright if this is too personal to answer, but do you get some relief by packing? Trans guys have a lot of techniques that might be helpful even though your specific situation is different obviously.
deleted by creator
I’m very new to hexbear and mostly lurk, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to recommend an online store (I also don’t know where you’re located, the store I have in mind only ships within Canada and the US), but anyway there’s a worker owned sex store cooperative in Toronto that has a great online store.
All of their gender gear descriptions are super gender neutral, I just checked to make sure and there’s even a line about packers being for everyone who wants one, in their basic packer information.
I try to never shop for sex stuff anywhere else, unless it’s something I legitimately can’t get through this store.
If I’m allowed I’ll totally give you the name, or you can DM me about it.
Depending on what exactly you want in a prosthetic (just a flaccid bulge? Pack and play? STP?) there are also people who make stuff themselves that you can sometimes find at queer markets or online places where artisans can sell stuff. If you’re crafty and just want a flaccid bulge, I could send you the pattern for a crochet packer.
please DM! I’d be interested to check it out
Yeah that’s fair, honestly with the rising acceptance - actually even just knowledge - that enby people exist there probably should be more gender neutral gender affirming stores. I’m sure there’s some AFAB maybe masc leaning enby who’d like to pack for their own euphoria but is similarly turned off by how masc those stores are lol. I know the LGBT store in my old city had packers that weren’t like MAN STUFF FOR MANLY PEOPLE so I’m sure they must exist elsewhere.
deleted by creator
