I had government insurance last year, and lost it. It’s been a year without meds now. I was doing alright for a while, managed the symptoms through routine and physical activity, but I’m really struggling this month. The catatonic phase lasted for so fucking long I barely even recognized it was starting. But I’m seeing the altars again, the shadow people, social interaction is starting to become unbearably anxious, I feel like the person in my brain watching me fry the egg. The lines going between everything. One of them is watching me.
And this psychosis wave is fucking terrible compared to my last one. When shit started popping off for me, it was this dream like euphoric mania, where I’d see things like tree leaves on a color gradient, or start hearing full songs just start playing out of nowhere. The only way I can describe it is feeling like a main character of a play. Not in the sense that I’m particularly important or unique, more in the way that it felt like whoever was watching wasn’t a stalker but like a film director, picking when to play songs. I used to hallucinate friends I hadn’t spoken to in years, and would occasionally get to have chats with “them”. This all was extremely unhealthy, but at least it was pretty easy to cope with.
It felt infinitely funnier back then. As time has gone on, the thought irregularities have become darker and more disruptive. First episode lasted really long before the mania crash, but this just feels like already being in the mania crash and it only has lower to go
I know I need to be on meds, but I haven’t had money or insurance for it. America wants schizophrenic people in psychosis and homeless.
I can definitely see how waiting two weeks for a semi-illegal package could be very, very bad for somebody with a paranoia-causing illness. I shouldn’t have suggested it in this case. I definitely don’t want to unintentionally steer her away from attempting to get medical care. From what I’ve seen so far though, she is pretty solidly invested in doing so or at least in finding ways to cope.
In most other circumstances, sending cheap lifesaving drugs internationally is based and not actually dangerous aside from initially sharing contact details, especially if it is not a scheduled controled substance, as is the case here; I want to make that clear.
I hope that Leyla finds a way to access the meds she wants and needs as soon as possible.
I actually have a relative with paranoid schizophrenia and I should have known better.