I am in a similar boat, with disabilities, weight, and deep depression. I am a bit older at 31, and clocking in at 106kg, but the disability is brutal - I had a stroke at 21 and wasn’t expected to live a couple hours in the icu, but here I am, almost 10 years later. But being ‘alive’ and ‘living’ are two very different things. My fiancé left me, I planned my suicide but ended up collapsing into a crying mess, I went through 2 years of therapy before I couldn’t afford it anymore. It pulled me away from the edge, but I’m still not in a great state. Currently, I’m just waiting out the clock for my death, natural or otherwise.

However, I have a friend that I’ve known since I was a teen that I’ve been friends, fwb, and even roommates with. When the fiancé left me, a few days later he proposed dating, which I turned down - trying to salvage my relationship, taking blame for shit that I didn’t do or wasn’t the cause of, anything to have my man back, so I wasn’t in any situation to jump into something new. He understood, and I did my best to reassure him that if the situation was different, so would have been the answer.

A couple years ago, I’m talking to him in vr, when he asks me completely casually and relaxed, if I want to be his pet. I’ve always been forced to be a dom top because of my partners, but I’m most definitely a switch, and I trusted and like him already; so I said yes. It’s odd for him, too, as he is usually subby and our kinks don’t usually align, but he’s so fucking sweet, caring, compassionate. Even though I’m (imo) ‘broken’, ‘useless’, a ‘burden’, he gets gently mad at me and assures me that, no, I’m not. 2 and a half years later, I’ve visited him several times, and I am still very much his pet.

Visually, too, it’s interesting - I’m demisexual, and I suspect he is too. If I didn’t know him, just passing on the street, I’d never think that I would find him attractive; he’s a big guy, even by comparison to me. But the person he is overshadows that, and there was already a spark from years past, so I ended up (happily) wanting this big, loving guy - very much so. Life is weird.

Anyway, all I’m really saying is that, even if you think you are not wanted or desirable, for any reason, everyone is their own harshest critic. Even though I think I’m literally worthless, others might not. I’m working to accept the fact that that isn’t a bold-faced lie or a trick - my ex did a number on my self-esteem and image, even beyond the disabilities. But it gets easier every time I see him, and there is someone like that for you too; probably a ton. It’s going to be okay.

Now go out there and find them :D

If you’re happy at every size that’s great for you, but it’s not something that you can criticise others for disagreeing with.

Sure, some people find heavier people the sexiest, but most people like fit and healthy people and you can’t blame them for that.

You could have the greatest and most confident personality in the world, but if your partner is not attracted to you physically it will always be a problem.

I truly hope that you are happy with your size and that you’re not just accepting it because it’s easier than committing to a diet. I know this sentiment isn’t what you wrote your post for, but the truth hurts sometimes.