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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-05-07 06:02:04.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TA031544

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for Expecting Sex on a Date Night with my Wife?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, infidelity, depression, verbal abuse, betrayal

Original Post: March 31, 2024

My wife and I generally have a great relationship. Last night, however, I learned from my wife that she has been on a sex strike for most of the last month due to some comments I made following our last date night (which was about a month ago).

As background, I arrange a date night each month for the two of us. I plan a dinner somewhere nice, arrange a babysitter, feed our three kids dinner, and otherwise handle all of the logistics so that all she has to do is show up. Typically, we will grab drinks somewhere after dinner (sometimes meeting up with friends for the drinks portion, and other times going just the two of us).

Earlier this month, I planned an evening out and we had a fantastic dinner together. After dinner, I proposed that we go to a nearby wine bar, but my wife (who had been texting with the wife of a couple we are close friends with), asked if we could go meet up with them for drinks instead. I was fine with that, so we headed towards a nearby bar that they had proposed. However, the other couple’s dinner ran later than ours, and by the time it ended, the wife was tired and decided she wanted to go to bed. As such, her husband ended up taking her home and then joining us at the local bar they had proposed.

Around 11:45 we had to leave to relieve our babysitter. My wife was having fun and didn’t want the evening to end, so she invited our friend over for another drink. I told her I was fine with that, but that I was hoping to be in bed by 1:00 a.m. (as background, I do the morning shift with our three kids every day and they get up early). My wife promised that we’d be in bed by then.

Our friend came over, we opened a bottle of wine, put on some music, and we’re all having a good time. 1:00 comes around and he gets up to go, but my wife tells us we can’t leave, as she is vibing. I stick around for another 10 minutes or so and then decide to call it, as I was getting pretty tired. My wife tells me she will be up in another 10 minutes. I get ready for bed (which takes about that long) and don’t hear her coming, so I go to bed.

Around 3:00, I get woken up by her coming into our bedroom (she was drunk at this point and made a lot of noise). I’m now wide awake, and if that happens, it usually takes me a while to go back to sleep (in this case, it took me until around 5:00, which was fun when the kids woke up at 6:30). Anyways, at this point, since I’m now wide awake, I ask her if she’d want to have sex (probably not the most romantic, I know). She declines, as she is tired and wants to go to sleep. Fair enough, I don’t push the issue, and and she immediately falls asleep.

However, I can’t sleep now due to being woken up, and sit there and stew for a few hours (mostly frustrated at being woken up but also annoyed at how the evening went overall). My first mistake was sending her a text (while she is asleep) saying that her actions that evening were hurtful and that it felt like I planned this nice evening, only for her to end up spending the later part of it with someone else (and not like that - I am 100% confident they were just listening to music and chatting).

The next morning, she came downstairs apologetic. However, I made the mistake of mentioning that her actions made me not really want to plan these extravagant date nights anymore, as she had broken her promise about going to bed at a reasonable hour and then ruined my sleep (not the first time this has happened on a date night). Then (and this is where I may be the asshole), I added that this was at least the fourth date night in a row where the night had ended with us not having sex, and that in my mind, a good date night ends in sex. I also added that this one was particularly offensive because it felt like she abandoned me at the end of the night.

These comments really upset her, and she said they made her feel like I only appreciate her for sex. She added that date nights should be about having fun and enjoying her company, and that I should assume we won’t have sex on date nights. Honestly, I have some sympathy for her perspective about enjoying each other’s company being the most important part of a date night, but I also don’t think it is unreasonable to feel a little let down after planning a romantic evening, especially since it had become a pattern, and particularly where she effectively choose to do something else rather than have sex with me. So Reddit, what do we think? AITA?

Updates: Well, this surprisingly took off. A few responses to commonly asked questions:

  1. Why involve friends on date night? Because she asked - it wasn’t what I had planned, but I do try to make her happy.

  2. How often do we normally have sex? 2-3 times a week, which is honestly pretty good for having three young children, although the distribution tends to be a little uneven (i.e. we might have it 5 times one week and then only once the next). I also try to be a generous partner, and almost always try to get her off first (unless she just asks for a quickie).

  3. How did I not notice the sex strike that was going on for almost a month? I intentionally took a week off from initiating in an effort to show I wasn’t just about sex, and then I caught a severe case of COVID at the end of that week, and then she got her period, and then we went on a trip (where sex is hard with small kids). So even if she hadn’t been intentionally withholding, there wouldn’t really have been an opportunity for it. Just a really unfortunate series of events that happened one after the other. We also did slip in a couple of sessions in there where she initiated (in what she called “moments of weakness”) - frankly, we both like sex, but she is sometimes willing to hurt/penalize herself to prove a point. Also, we’ve had 4 or 5 stretches in the past where we have gone many months without sex due to childbirth / major surgery / depression. I do truly care for my wife, and I’m willing to play the long game.

  4. Why are you not worried about your wife being with a male friend late at night? We’re very close to this couple, and they are probably over at our house at least once a week. The husband in particular is close friends with both me and my wife. His wife works very early in the morning, so she pretty much always goes to bed very early. As such, he is often left alone at night, and he frequently ends up at our place (where we play drink, play board games or cards, listen to music, play guitars, etc.). It is not at all unusual for him to come over and stay late at our place, as my wife and I stay up much later than his wife. It was only weird (and frustrating) because my wife invited him over on a date night. Our friend is also a really solid guy - he’s probably the safest person I could think of to hang out with my wife who is a guy. I know the optics aren’t great and that if I were a third party I’d probably think something shady is going on - just knowing the people involved, it’s not something I am concerned about. I’m confident our friend intended to come over for just a drink - he did in fact try to leave, and he had even called an uber - my wife grabbed his phone and cancelled it. And I do think they did just lose track of time. We had a brief power outage the day before so our living room clock was not working.

  5. What happened on the other three dates? On one, we had met up with a large group of friends at a bar after dinner and we were all having fun. Unfortunately, one of us had to relieve the babysitter. I kindly offered to go home and let her stay out with the crew (many of our friends stay out late - most have family or a full-time nanny that can do overnights). She ended up staying out until after 3:00 and was blackout when she got back, so I helped her get into bed and called it a night. On another, we got into an argument over something stupid at dinner and it killed the mood. On the third, she just was very tired by the time we got home and wanted to go to sleep (which is totally valid - I didn’t complain or push it). This wasn’t really a pattern of any specific behavior on her part - I was more just frustrated that circumstances seemed to always conspire to prevent the ideal date night from occurring, and this one being foiled was definitely her fault.

  6. Why did your wife stay up so late? My wife is a bit of a night owl. Her ideal schedule is probably to stay up until 12 or 1 and then sleep in until 9. And on the weekend when she is having fun, she would easily stay up until 2 or 3. This is something that we have argued about in the past, as once she gets going she doesn’t like to stop (which she admits isn’t the best), which always leaves me needing to be the responsible one. I’ve told her in the past that I’d gladly stay up until 3:00 with her if she agrees to do the morning shift the next day, but she has always declined on the basis of that not being enough sleep.

  7. How is your division of labor? I work a high pay, long hours job, and my wife is a SAHM. When I’m at…

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