Ive been cut off by people so many times over the past few years. I just constantly exaust people. And frankly my behaviors that people point out as the problem are largely not things I think I can improve.

First of all, my Rejection Sensative Dysphoria and how seriously it effects me makes me incredibly inherently toxic because now that I know about it I cant NOT bring it up with people, but people feel inherently pressured and like they are having their consent violated by that existing? I mean I just see it as an accommodation thing and I agree that people have a right to boundaries but I think friendship should be compromise. Idk maybe I am using RSD as a method of manipulating people but I dont think so. People act like me even bringing it up is an abusive move which feels like its inherently stigmatizing an issue that seriously effects me. And no I have not yet found a method of dealing with it internally through therapy or whatever. I just dont think I can do this.

Also like, when people try to distance themselves from me or leave me I just go into fight mode and try to squeeze tighter until I just drive them away worse lol. And I’m sorry but once again I… dont think I can break that habit lmao. Its too automatic. In the moment I cant think of anything else I cant think about how this isnt helping. Its particularly bad if I think the boundary doesnt make logical sense or isnt reasonable based on what has happened. It is VERY difficult for me to accept that i just need to respect boundaries even if they dont make sense to me.

Anyway ive had two people cut me off in the past three days. Both VERYT emotionally unstable people so I shouldnt take it personally, but like I said, RSD. One took an argument about Survivor personally for some reason, blocked me, kicked me from their discord server, left the two other discord servers we shared, and deleted our entire message history lmao. The other had ghosted for like five months and then just randomly came back to tell me they didnt want me in their life anymore, and this is like the fourth time theyve cut me off lmao. This last time they PROMISED I wouldnt have to worry about getting attatched again, it was like the entire point of my friend group even letting them back into our circle, but then they cut me off again anyway! And they cited being “afraid to confront me” or whatever which touches on what Im talking about above. But they also said they only came back because they “felt guilty” but that is fucking bullshit based on the way they came back. They have flipped on a dime between consering me a father figure and considering me a manipulator so many times now lmao. Even if I decide human relationships are for me Im definitly never letting this person back in.

I basically think im too inhernetly toxic to have relationships in a way that doesnt hurt people or fuck with my friends autonomy and boundaries. So I think for the good of everyone I should just take myself out of the equation. Not in THAT way yaknow just… delete my accounts and cut everyone off and go hermit mode. Human relationships are frankly too much at this point.