ARLINGTON, VA—Nervously pacing the office after the Asian leader finally responded to their repeated provocations, Pentagon officials were reportedly panicking Wednesday after Chinese president Xi Jinping showed up to fight them in the parking lot. “Oh shit, oh shit—Jinping’s out there, and he looks super pissed,” said Secretary Of Defense Lloyd J. Austin III, peeking through the blinds of the government building while leader of the foreign superpower pulled off his shirt, bellowed the cabinet member’s name and told him it was time to put his money where his mouth was after tormenting the Asian country for years, looking for a reaction. “Get down and shut up. Turn off the lights! We never should have started shit with our warship, I knew that was taking it too far! Now he’s here, crushing beer cans on his head and calling himself ‘loco.’ He just smashed my taillights! We have to get out of here.” At press time, Jinping agreed to bare-knuckle fight the biggest guy from the Department of Defense to settle the dispute over Taiwan once and for all.