So I am finally able to express insecurities about my body that I’ve held onto my whole life due to, you know, feeling like a singularly fucked up freak which unfortunately is a common experience for us autistics and neurodivergent folks. I’ve had some recent experiences that have me feeling pretty down about my body and I guess I want to write it down and get some validation from others that may share some of these experiences or have some guidance or information to understand myself better. Unfortunately, some of these “quirks” lead to some serious social avoidance behaviors and anxiety because I feel like I have no control over when my body seems to decide to just stop working properly. I just want to understand better why I, for example, can seemingly randomly lose my coordination and take an embarrassing tumble or knock over and break things; why I can overheat and start sweating profusely so easily; why my reflexes can be so reactive and I get jumpy or overreact, like having a gag reflex that can cause me to puke or spit up over nothing; why I can sometimes be very sensitive to pain or not feel it all; why I have IBS and other stomach issues that don’t seem to correlate to any particular food or activity; why I have nerve pain in my legs and restless legs; why I can sometimes feel the constant urge to go to the bathroom or have embarrassing episodes of sexual dysfunction. I hope this post doesn’t come across too much like a “woe is me” thing, just trying to understand myself better so I can stop feeling so insecure about something I can’t control. How much of this is related to general executive dysfunction that is a hallmark of autism and ADHD? Does anyone else have similar experiences? Is it possible some of this is completely unrelated to neurodivergence? Do others also feel this way about their body?
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I’m just paying it forward, I would not be able to understand my own humanity, let alone my place as an autistic individual, without reading and learning about the experiences of others who have shared uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing (even if it shouldn’t be seen that way) truths about their lives to uncover the full breadth of human experience that our rigid social system under capitalism keeps hidden. People belonging to all sorts of marginalized groups whether it be gender minorities, sexual minorities, disabled folks, etc. deal with so much that that they feel like they have to hide because of how little society tolerates deviance despite the fact that these experiences are near universal; everyone deviates in major ways from the prescribed norm.
In truth, what I deal with is genuinely quite mild compared to the situation of many others with autism and other forms of neurodivergence as many experience similar or worse symptoms on a much more frequent basis with much more severe impacts to their lives. I am very low support needs, and if you knew me in person you would probably be none the wiser that I have these experiences, and even if you witnessed me having one of these situations you would probably not think it is nearly as big of a deal as I am perceiving it to be. However, it is still disabling for me and has serious consequences on my ability and willingness to interact and commune with others (and work, unfortunately), despite me having a significant desire to do so.
I appreciate the kind words and support, and I am really just hoping to lessen the stigma for myself and others for the betterment of our experiences and livelihoods.