Cyclist: Let it be clear that when we say “cyclist” on this site we specifically mean the spandex wearing douche bag type.

Cager: A cager is a slur that cyclists use against automobile drivers. It’s somewhat ironic, since pretty much all cyclists also driver cars. Much like the F-word to gay people or the N-word to black people, cager is also a term that non-cyclists use in reference to each other, in order to rob the word of its power. None-the-less you will often hear cyclists use the slur freely and without shame.

Critical Mass (aka Critical Ass): Critical Mass is a semi-organized cycling event. Ideally it is to be held in most metro areas on the last Friday of the month, but it can really be any time or place. Any time a group of douche bag cyclists with nothing better to do decide to get in huge groups and ride around town slowing down traffic, it can be considered Critical Mass. Some cyclists claim it is merely a chance for social interaction and exercise, however many will admit that is in fact a means of protest and intimidation against non-cyclists. Whatever the reason, it’s really freaking annoying. It is sometimes referred to as Critical Ass because the participants are usually gigantic assholes with little to live for other than causing more traffic and mayhem.

Chain Gang: This is that long line of cyclists riding single file, making it almost impossible to pass them. No shit, cyclists claim this is a training tool, no doubt preparing their fat asses for the Tour de Bacon they have coming up next month. Cyclists frequently use this formation to run red lights and 4 way stops.

Myth#1: Cyclists want to share the road.

Fact: Cyclists want to inconvenience drivers for the glory of their own egos.

Most cyclists are sad and lonely people who have failed at life. Their careers (if you can call bagging groceries a career) are going nowhere, their families are ashamed of them, and other than getting together with other pathetic losers to ride bikes, they have no personal life to speak of.

So what is a sad, pathetic loner to do? Well besides offing themselves, they like to dress up in skin tight spandex and ride bikes around town tying up traffic. Keeping people in cars from getting where they need to go boost their self-esteem much like the schoolyard bully does by hassling other kids for their lunch money. This feeling of importance, this rush of knowing they are forcing the world to revolve around them, it is the only thing that keeps most of these people from swallowing the barrel of a revolver.

Cyclists have no desire to share the road with motorists in some sort of utopia vehicular society where man powered and gas powered transportation devices live in peace and harmony. Quite the opposite actually. Their goal is to create an environment of stress and confusion on the roadways to boost their frail and pitiful egos.

Myth #2: Cyclists want to live by the same rules of the road as motor vehicles.

Fact: When it suits them cyclists want the same rules for both, when it is inconvenient for them they want to claim “Well I am just on a bike.”

Cyclists are constantly screaming for equality on the road. They want nothing of the sort. When a cyclists is riding down a major US Highway with a 55 MPH speed limit at 20 MPH, that is when they want everyone to view them as an equal, with the same right to the road. When they come to a red light or a four-way stop, well at that point, “I am just a bike.” becomes the new law of the road, and they run it at their convenience.

Cyclists have no desire to live by the same laws as motorists. They want equal protection when it suits them. And when it doesn’t? Well then they are “just a bike”. Excuse them while they run a red-light.

OK, this one may have a glimmer of truth to it. As a cyclist, other cyclists can be kinda embarrassing sometimes.

Myth #3: It is a great tragedy when a cyclist is killed by a motorist.

Fact: Riding a bike on major highways with speed limits of up to 55MPH with hundreds of two ton vehicles is about as smart as playing Russian Roulette.

A lot of people gamble with their lives, soldiers, police officers, firemen for instance. When these people lose their lives it is a great tragedy because they lost their lives while pursuing noble efforts, catching criminals, saving lives, protecting freedoms. Getting killed because you thought it would be “cool” to tie up traffic during rush hour isn’t noble. Losing one’s life to stupidity isn’t a tragedy.

We at Spare the Road do not want to belittle anyone who has lost a loved one to this situation. However, as mentioned in Myth #1 most cyclists have no one who cares for them. If you are in that minority though we are sorry, sorry that your family member or friend was so selfish they cared more about being a jackass on public streets than being there for you. When some idiot on a bike gets hit by a car, it’s not a tragedy; the tragedy is his kids are going to have to grow up fatherless because their dad thought it would be awesome to “stick it to cagers” by riding his bike on busy streets.

Myth #4: It is illegal for cyclists to ride their bikes on the sidewalk.

Fact: It is also illegal for them to run red-lights, but that has never stopped a cyclist before.

This goes back to Myth#2. Cyclists are quick to point out it is against the law to ride their bikes on the sidewalk as the reason they have to pedal in the streets. Point out that it’s also against the law for them to ride in between two rows of cars waiting at a red-light, and they will probably key your car.

Myth #5: If we just built more bike lanes then we’d all live happily ever after.

Fact: Cyclists avoid bike lanes at all times.

Cyclists like to complain about the lack of bike lanes. But much like they tie up traffic as self service to their egos, they also like wasting taxpayer money for the same reason. Cyclists have no desire to use bike lanes. Why not? See Myth #1 for that answer.

Usually most of the support of bike lanes comes from motorists who want to get these idiots out of their way. But build a bike lane and cyclists will just move to other streets without them.