It was the late eighties, probably '88 or '89, and even though some of the excesses of that decade were dying down in the culture a bit I was still very much an unironic greed is good guy who was all about materialism. I wasn’t the only one of course, Harvard was full of ghouls and mostly other privileged failson assholes like me. I always did alright romantically but there was this one girl my friend wouldn’t shut up about in his poli-sci class. He’d pointed her out a few times while we were drinking at Grendel’s Den and she was gorgeous, but the one time we tried to ingratiate ourselves to her group of friends it was loud and busy and she didn’t seem to want anything to do with us. Maybe not surprising, they were all bohemian types and we, well we liked looking expensive.
So this one day were on campus, I’m waiting for said friend, just smoking cigarettes on the edge of the green between Harvard Yard and the accomodation on Prescott St, people watching as it was always steadily busy there. I’m minding my own business when over the chatter of two guys talking about their history professor I hear a girl’s exasperated voice. I look over and that’s the girl, from the bar, the one lefty chick that my friend has spent all this time pining over. She’s trying to blow off this freshman who’s doing his best to play it cool, but has kind of a desperate energy about him and won’t take the hint.
I put out my cigarette, pull out another one, and walk over with it unlit despite having a lighter in pocket. As I walk up I can hear him asking if she’s read something or other and she just looks bored as she nods. I interrupt, flash her a grin, and ask if she’s got a lighter. The guy looks at me, annoyed. Naturally he doesn’t have a lighter and resents my interruption. He’s not bad looking, quite tall, black, fairly handsome with a big grin - now gone from his face as she hands me a book of matches from some bar - but he’s all chin, nervous energy, and hesitant pauses.
He asks her if she liked some recent lecture on Mercuse. She rolled her eyes. I took a puff on my cigarette and asked her if she liked Unsolved Mysteries. She looked surprised and said she liked it fine but most of them weren’t that good. I told her that what was a mystery to me was how we’d never gone out before. She groaned. The freshman guy just stood there like ‘uhh’ with a look that said ‘what are you doing dude’. I remember her response being something like, “because I bet you’re just another rich daddy’s boy who thinks the Jon Birch society is the moral center of the universe and Reagan is the greatest president in history”. I just took another drag on my cigarette and said something like “Maybe, you’ve read all that pinko commie stuff, you wanna talk, prove me wrong?”
She looked pissed. Then pleased. Got a cute smile and invited me back to her dorm room. The freshman looked crushed that it had seemed to work. I followed her up the stairs, enjoying an eyeful of perfect long legs and a great ass, and she offered me a beer. We argued for a bit, I conceded a little, she recommended some books I should read, and half an hour later we were in bed together.
After we finished up she went to take a shower while I had a smoke. She’d asked me to smoke out of the window because the smoke detectors in the hallway were too sensitive. So I did. There I am hanging out the top half of the window that slides up, with a shit eating grin on my face, but also thinking she made some genuinely great points in our little debate that I hadn’t heard before, when I realise that freshman that was trying to hit on her is still across from the building, sat on a bench at the edge of the green.
I didn’t know his name so I just shouted “Yo, Mercuse!” He looks up, confused and annoyed and I ask him “Sorry bro, but do you like nuts?”
He looks more confused and annoyed so I repeat it.
Finally he gives in and shouts back, “Sure, I like nuts just fine, but uh, let me clear, what you did wasn’t cool”.
I remember thinking what a fucking nerd as I shout back “How do like these nuts” as I press my freshly emptied balls up against the glass of the lower half of the window.
He didn’t think it was funny and stormed off, almost dropping his books.
I dated that girl for a few years after that and she was pretty much responsible for slowly turning my politics around until I was an avid socialist like her. Obviously I’m a much better person for it and in general now too. As for the guy, I don’t know what happened to him. I wonder if he ever got over it though.
My pantry was full of toothbrushes, and I decided that enough was enough. Somebody needs to do something about all my toothbrushes.
