It’s hard to come up with good reasons to speak. People say “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” which makes sense, I think, but I would go one step further: “if you don’t have anything of substance to say, don’t say anything at all.” José Saramago once said that writing when you have nothing to say is a crime. I’m inclined to agree.

There is, however, a wrinkle here. I want to be able to say or write what I have to say or write properly, I want my message to come across, I want my words to mean something and for that meaning to be understood by those who come across it. How can I make sure that is the case? I can’t, of course, but I’d argue the closest I can get to that is practising. Write even when you have nothing to say, so that when the time comes when you do have something to say, you’ll know how to say it. I’m not sure if this makes much sense, but it’s what I feel.

I read some Babel yesterday and loved it. I’m really loving this exploration of what it means to live (and thrive) within unfair systems. When I read I often look forward to the end because I want to feel that sense of completion; I love reading because I love knowing, I love understanding a story from front to back, to internalize everything about it. I take great pleasure in that, but Babel is shaping up to be a different monster entirely. I don’t look forward to the end as much as I look forward to the journey. People say the journey matters more than the destination, but of course it really depends on the journey. Babel is a journey, it seems.

I’ve always had these conflicting feelings about the world as it is, society and whatnot. I feel like it always sounds cringe to talk about these things, but I’m also aware that it would benefit the status quo to make it cringe to talk about these things, because if they’re not discussed, they’re not challenged, if they’re not challenged, they remain. So despite how tough it is, I’ll put this in writing.

I don’t like the way things are. I think it’s unfair that the some people have so much when others have so little, I think it’s unfair that some people starve to death in the streets while others gorge themselves on overpriced delicacies. How brave of me! No, but really. It’s easy to say these things are bad, but I always imagine rolling eyes and exasperated sighs followed by a look of pity… “Yes, but what can we do about it?” I think there are things we can do about it. I think the capitalist system, the profit-driven, growth-obsessed, selfish system that we live under and live by is wrong. It can’t be right that for some to thrive others must suffer. It seems to be that there’s enough for everyone, and it also seems to me that it is natural for us to look out for one another.

Maybe I really have nothing to say.

Still, I’ll blabber on. I live a cushy life, all things considered. I have a great social net, I know things will work out even if I fail, and fail, and fail. I know that. I have money, freedom, independence. I lead a good life, a privileged life. I could give so much, but I don’t. The truth is that I’m not willing to sacrifice my comfort for the good of others. Yes, to a certain extent it can be said that helping others isn’t the easiest thing in the world; it’s actually surprisingly convoluted to give provide assistance to people in need. In a way, this is a sign that things are actually pretty good, where I live, because people in need aren’t that easy to come by. Then again, maybe even if they were easy to come by it would be hard to help. Regardless, I have to look out for myself, don’t I? I deserve a good life, because everyone deserves a good life. Is living in misery worth keeping some other out of death? That sounds so absurd. The answer is yes, I think, but it’s a damn hard choice to make.

Babel is going to explore this further, I think. I really hope Kuang doesn’t drop the ball on this. At this point, I need to understand why every choice is made, I need to understand their motivations and their reasons. If I can’t understand the why, then Babel is a failure in my eyes. There’s plenty of book left to achieve this, but I don’t have complete confidence. Kuang’s prose is too good for me to give her the benefit of believing she can pull an impeccable narrative together as well. How good can a writer be?! I hope I’m not overhyping her.

I listened to a lot of music today, but it was mediocre music, unfortunately. I wanted to become familiar with the work of a particular rapper, TiaCorine. She’s good, but nothing about her discography really wowed me. I suppose I have a type, even if it that type actually does encompass a bunch of different styles and genres, and she’s simply outside the circle. Still, I don’t regret listening, giving her a fair shot. I’ll keep an eye on her regardless, see if she actually ends up coming up with something that changes my opinion.

I also watched a livestream today. It was lovely. It’s always great, but today was really good. A lot of laughter… It was just delightful. I won’t be able to catch it tomorrow, I suspect. A shame, but that’s how it goes sometimes.

I intend to continue reading Babel today. I’ll be getting into chapter 8, I believe. Looking forward to it.