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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-12 04:01:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/epicfailwhale
AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/ellenessie for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: murder, physical assault, threats, drug use, possible mental health issues, theft
Original Post Sept 28, 2024
Hi, guys, so I created a profile just for this - I have a main account I use for my art. I don’t really know how to post on this sub though, so please excuse any mistakes - also I think it’s important to give a TW as this had violence and death involved and I know from personal experience that it can be triggering:
So, I (F32, Deanna) am the eldest of five siblings, and I’ve taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember. I helped our parents until their passing, and, frankly, it’s exhausting. Dad died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and it was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time, and Mom passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with breast cancer earlier this year.
FUCK cancer.
So as the oldest, I just sort of became the de-facto parent. I don’t mind as I love my siblings, and its kind of my thing to “big sister” friends and family a lot. I’m sort of ship’s counselor, and I financially help out my family. I don’t mind, as I work in tech, have a side gig doing art, and inherited land and money from mom and dad- all that to say it’s no real loss.
A few years ago, I adopted my cousin’s “Charlie” M45 child who I will just use her nickname “Decker” (my baby loves kickboxing) after my cousin went to prison for murdering the Decker’s mother in an alcohol and drug-fueled rage - which is too long a story to add here. It was a chaotic year of mourning, paperwork and court hearings, but the adoption was finalized when the Decker was five. Now, she’s a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me “Mom.” She’s in therapy, and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her mother’s death, and I couldn’t be prouder of how resilient she is. She’s my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that - literally “My heart”.
Fast forward to my sister’s, Clara (F30), upcoming wedding. I was thrilled for her at first, and she asked me to be MOH. I cried in joy and offered for my wife “Honey” (because we like The Incredible lol) F40 and I to pay for it (don’t worry I asked Honey first).
But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a “mistake” and saying I “shouldn’t have taken her in.” I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn’t like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman - then said “no hate or anything” and laughed but then she doubled down that Decker is likely damaged and a handful.
Guys, Decker is the SWEETEST child alive. I mean she is a teen so yeah sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there, but when I say she is my WHOLE heart, I mean it. She made us a family, and made our house a home. She smiles easy, cries openly and has the emotional intelligence I WISH I had myself. She always asks “how are you doing?” and she really means it, willing to listen to people. But she’s a “damaged” “mistake”!?
I felt like a character in a dark, twisted episode of a sci-fi show—defending my choice to adopt felt like fighting the Borg, like I just wouldn’t assimilate. I didn’t laugh it off with my sister and her friends. I just stared at her in pure disbelief. I think she knew I was hurt because she quickly changed the subject. I said I better get home, paid for everything and 3 more rounds and went home to my family.
My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and “cutting them off” after the 3 rounds I paid for. She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I can’t take a joke. Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter. My sister refused, and kept calling Decker “Charlie’s child” and I just was holding back so many tears. I told my sister that I wouldn’t be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses - that I won’t stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I won’t be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.
Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection but Honey helped me temper myself. My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed “How am I supposed to pay for this!?” and I said, “You have over a year, you can save up.” - so left, showving Honey out of the way in the process and blew up our sibling group chat. My other siblings are split. Some think I’m overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call.
Now, I feel bad for my sister - I do love her and she is distressed by this - but I can’t shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important. AITA for refusing to pay for her wedding after that?
I am adding this in edit option -
I’ve been working on my work project at a local brewery and have been silently sobbing in reading the comments.
Also wow so many comments! I was trying to reply to everyone but I honestly ran out of steam. I sent this post to my wife and also just bracing myself to talk to Decker tonight. We want to ask her of her aunt has done or said anything cruel to or about her. I am wishing hard that shes just confused by our questions and remain oblivious of this shitstorm.
I love my Heart. I want her to always remain the bright, fun, loving, encouraging person she is. I don’t want her to know anything about what her aunt has said. I texted my sister if she meant this, if she really sees me, my wife, and our daughter that way or was she just drunk and stupid and doubled down in embarrassment. That said, I don’t want her near Decker anytime soon.
I feel so lost. I wasn’t planning on ever being a parent and there is no fucking manual for this. What the fuck do I even do??
Wish me luck for tonight. I will need it because if Decker tells us her aunt has been cruel to her face, I will have to hold my wife back from swinging on my sister.
Update Sept 29, 2024 (Next Day)
I am trying to keep this short.
Honey and I took Decker out to the local Oktoberfest celebrations. She had a blast, did crafts, danced to music, had “beer” (it was not beer) in a pint glass, and generally had a great time.
On the ride home my wife broached the long awaited topic. We asked her how she felt about grandma’s passing then went into how everyone handles things differently. We asked if Mama (me) or Mommy (Honey) ever was hurtful and she named a couple moments we’ve been snappy or wouldn’t let her do things (like a party at 2am!? Hm.) But no nothing else. We asked about Clara and she got quiet. Honey just looked at me but I was driving, so I just said “You can tell us anything, goober, you know that” and she clammed up.
I got my girls home and hugged my Heart/Decker and went to the den. About 2 hours later my wife came downstairs to me and said Decker is in bed but no asleep and I should talk to her. I asked why and she simply said that Decker is willing to talk about it. I went up.
Decker was ready for bed, in her PJs, reading. I just sat down on the side of the bed and asked her how she was. She just said “Mom told you huh?” I told her I didn’t know anything and Decker then said that Clara makes her uncomfortable and said hurtful things. When my wife and I weren’t around, Clara would call her the “lost puppy” or “the stray” and once Decker remembers her to have told her to her face “You’re not real family” and that once Honey and I get a “real child” we will dump her.
I can’t explain the rage. The absolute, total, and complete red I saw as my daughter broke down telling me that she behaves so well and is so obsessed with grades so she can prove she is worth loving, worth keeping.
After calling my wife we sat her down and told her that she is the best thing that ever happened to us and that even if we do have more children, she is our firstborn and our love. I cried and held her telling her she was my whole heart and that nothing will ever change that. She saved us, and I am so proud of her and us and all we’ve grown to become. I can’t ever stop loving her. Neither can her Mom. We love her more than air. That will never change.
Then I explained that auntie was wrong for this. Auntie is jealous of her. Jealous of how much we love her. Auntie needs help but we can’t give that help so she won’t be around for a while. Decker asked us to stop talking to her like a child, so I was blunt. “She’s my sister and I love her. You’re my daughter and I love you more.” I told her my sister was wrong and hateful. I’m sorry that she didn’t feel she could come to her mom or I. But she can. Every time. Any time. We will choose her. Always.
Decker asked me of its her fault I “hate” Clara and I just told her hate is a choice an…
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