All of my IRL friendships are based around activities - we play games together, we volunteer together, etc. When someone moves away and we try to keep the friendship going, it always just sputters out after a few weeks or months. It just seems to devolve into small-talk / catch-ups that neither of us are really interested in (I don’t mind small-talk too much, but it can’t be 100% of any meaningful relationship).
So: What is the point of a long-distance friendship for two people who have no plans to live locally again? What am I missing?
EDIT: I have close conversations in person that are deep and meaningful, just very rarely over text. Maybe I ought to phone or video call once in a while…
I guess the friendships I keep are ok being “at rest” and just a few texts a month or more. What’s nice is when you travel for some other reason, you can visit your old friend and catch up. It’s a nice feeling to say “oh I know someone in xyz. That’s nearby abc, I’ll hit them up for a beer”
What’s the point of having a sibling if you’re both going to live cross-country to each other? The answer is the same for a true friend.
The same as any friendship: mutual support and love. What you’re describing sounds like an acquaintance to me, not a friend, if conversations don’t develop past small talk. Maybe that’s what you’re missing.
Thanks for the input. I do have closer friendships in person, but once we move apart (geographically) it just sort of… fades. Based on these replies, I think I’m just not very good at talking over text
I understand better. I might relate, too.
I’m not the type to keep relationships “alive” by checking in, but at the same time, when someone re-enters my life after even years, it can be as though no time had passed. If I can help, I will. We can chat for minutes or hours. I’m happy to pick up where we left off.
I have the distinct impression that many other people don’t operate this way. I do. Do you?
Yes, that sounds like me. I’ve only really had it happen twice where people have come back into my life, but one of them is now my best friend again after I didn’t see or talk to them for years. The other example moved away for about eight years and although we were close (before or after) we did just carry on the same relationship we had before.
In that case, I’m not sure you’re missing anything and I’m not even sure you have a problem to solve here.
The majority of my friends are online. The internet has connected me with people who broaden my horizons, help me learn interesting and important things, and grow as a person. You don’t need to know someone in-person for that to happen anymore. IRL friendships will always be better, all other things being equal, but they’re not the only solution.
My bestie is on the other coast.
Most of our conversations are us talking about life, what we think about things, venting about work and our loved ones and being as ridiculous and unfocused as we always are.
She was also the Best Woman in my wedding.
I feel like it’s a matter of finding friends you have friend chemistry with rather than people you kinda get along with while doing a singular thing
Some of my closest friendships are people I’ve either never seen, or only got to meet a couple times. It’s not like living far away makes them worse friends.
You never know what kind of situation you’ll end up in. One time my transfer flights got messed up, and I was left stranded in a random airport for almost a day. I ended up asking around, and one of those long-distance friends drove hours to pick me up, get me some food, and let me get rest too.
Of course I’d love for them to live closer, so we can see each other regularly, but i’ll take what I can have
If you feel like you are not missing anything, then more power to you. It really has a lot to do with how you relate to people, it seems like for you it’s activities only and you don’t seem to bond intellectually too much or you wouldn’t be asking.
I’ve had several long distance friendships, in fact I still have and they are among my most stable relationships outside of family. It’s having those people you can rely on when things get tough for support, and also to share thoughts and discuss opinions or whatever - to have a conversation knowing we understand each other in a way most people don’t. That can be very rewarding even if I don’t see them face to face anymore, or, in some cases, even if I’ve never met them in person.
It’s true that I don’t seem to need company in the same way that lots of people do, but I don’t think that’s the issue here. I have good friendships with people in person, but can’t seem to keep them up online. I think I’m just not as comfortable / good at talking over text for the more in-depth and interesting conversations that are worth having friends for
My best friends are on the other side of the country. We met playing d&d over voice chat over the pandemic but got along so well we had to start having extra calls to just chat or else we wouldn’t be able to get around to playing.
At this point I’ve seen them in person more often than my local pathfinder group with whom I also play over voice chat.
But yeah I agree in general about text only friends
That’s really cool! I wanted to start playing D&D online with the friend that prompted this question, but she doesn’t really have the time (or I’m not important enough to make time for, I guess) :/
Kinda sucks, but that’s what happens sometimes
Well, not everyone forms connections based on shared activities; and even those who do, some activities can be done long-distance (debating philosophy, sharing music recommendations).
For a lot of us, we don’t stop caring about someone we don’t see long-term (though I’m told this is a neurodivergent trait to some degree) so even a friend we haven’t seen in years we can talk to and have it feel “fresh”.
I am ND, so part of this is trying to diagnose what I’m doing wrong and part of it is trying to understand what everyone else is doing haha
Because they’re a great surrogate for close counter friendships when none are available
To maximize the number of people who show up at your funeral.
Refreshing to read a post about someone with friends for a change.
Thanks ;)
You’ve never shared your intimate personal life with anyone? Your fears and woes, and happiness and triumphs? One of the wonderful qualities of deep friendship is the ability to withstand long stretches of being apart and still shine as brigth as the last time you met. I have a couple of people right now who I haven’t seen or talked to in years. But I have the utmost certainty that if I were to pick up the phone and write them “hey, can we talk?” I would get an almost immediate response, despite the timezones. And the conversation would flow as if we just talked yesterday. That, is friendship to me.
You can probably still be emotionally attached to someone, even if they’re not around anymore? I suppose there isn’t a point like in they’ll join you at going to the bar or help you redo the kitchen… But there are other things in life and we’re social creatures. We also like to talk, or just have someone who cares for us. Even more so if you spent some time of your lives together at some point.
You can probably still be emotionally attached to someone, even if they’re not around anymore?
I can be, and I would like to be, but it never seems to work out that way… Part of my question is to work out what other people do and what I’m doing wrong.
I’m bad at it, too. So I’m not sure if I’m the correct person giving advice. What I’ve observed is, successful people just do it. Idk, randomly seek contact every now and then. Or have a ritual, that seems to help. Make it a habit to call someone for their birthday. Or write some christmas cards. That’s some obvious things people do.
