Detroit: Tragedy at Binford Sex Tools show, when speaker Tim “Toolman” Taylor got stuck in one of the new XL Ejacu-Pumper models, whilst demonstrating features to the audience. Eyewitnesses say that while inserted into the machine, Taylor began to mimic riding a bucking bronco. During this animated outburst, Taylor lost his balance, falling backward, and accidentally pulling the refrigerator sized sex appliance down upon himself. In a scene that had played out countless times prior in his life, Taylor lost control of the unit, as it went into what a Binford representative called “overdrive mode.”

According to an attendee, who wished to remain anonymous “I heard a noise that day that will haunt me for the rest of my years. I was across the expo hall, and amidst a low rumble of screams came a piercing cacophony of confused cries of pleasure and pain. I don’t know quite how to explain it. It was like a wolf, gurgling, grunting and howling all at once. The noise went on for minutes, getting louder and more desperate sounding. When it stopped, I guess that’s when his pelvis was crushed.”

A public memorial service will be held at Ford field this coming Sunday, prior to the Lions game, with a private burial ceremony to be held later in the week.