I hope this is welcome here, as it’s about autistic burnout. Mild CW for swearing and general negativity.

I finally got my diploma, literally just a couple hours ago.

No I’m not bragging because I’m not fucking proud. It wasn’t a fucking accomplishment. I graduated with a 2.8 by the skin of my teeth. My transcript shows a recent downward trend. It took almost double the time; I did two years in four, and I took out loans to live in poverty away from home, just to limp back home to screw up the last semester.

And I fried my brain in the process. I’m not just afraid of getting a new job, but I would be nervous to even go back to the way things used to be. My parents are like “oh you can go back to pizza delivery” but what they don’t seem to grasp is that I can’t even do that anymore. I’ve been having trouble planning to do projects and activities, even things I want to do. My body feels like it permanently changed for the worse. I literally gained a hundred pounds. Taking care of hygiene feels is too tiring to finish. My ability to remember things is absolutely devastated.

It’s not healthy to be on the brink of disaster for so many years.

So far, I have gotten exactly zero interviews after contacting about thirty employers. (Even the simple task of applying for work feels incomprehensibly complex. I’m good with computers, but it’s just so much typing and reading the job descriptions and stuff.) What good is a degree without a job? Congratulations, I know things, but what good is that for me if I starve to death? What good is it if I can’t be at peace or even comfortable? How am I supposed to pay off my loans? None of my professors liked me, I made no friends at school, joined no clubs, did no extracurriculars other than some research that I can’t explain to a recruiter. I have no experience in the field, not even an internship. I don’t have anything to offer an employer [1].

I have already gotten employers bring up the GPA unprompted to reject me for the position. Most engineering firms aren’t interested in students with a GPA < 3. I’ve applied for all sorts of other jobs, but I’m competing with people who actually studied in that field. I have no projects in a state suitable to present on a resumé, and every recent attempt to start a project has gone almost nowhere.

And frankly, I’m not particularly friendly or sociable. I am ice cold, even when I’m trying to be warm. Even when I’m fully prepared for a social situation, I am still autistic, and people will inevitably find me awkward in a bad way. I’m not open about my political views IRL [2], but it’s very difficult to hide my disdain for capitalism and imperialism from people who think they benefit from them [3].

I would be literally thrilled to do a master’s degree in my field, as I read graduate-level material in my spare time, the rare times I have any energy. However, how could I pay for it? How could I convince an employer to pay for it with my transcript and recent downward trajectory? And if I get accepted, how do I even begin to manage that time? I could barely handle the workload of a bachelor’s degree, and I can barely even handle the workload of looking for a job or even cleaning my body.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to be able to do things like I used to be able to do. I just want to go back to a time when it actually felt good to achieve my goals. If y’all have any similar experiences, advice, or just want to dunk on my situation, I’d really like to hear it.

[1] I’m not seriously shedding a tear over these “poor employers” and how I can’t provide value to them. I don’t give a fuck about them, fractally so. However, the “value I offer to the company” is the lens through which they view my employability, which in turn determines the level of comfort my paycheck yields me or if I get that comfort at all.

[2] I’m not a great rhetorician. If I argue for my views, I will probably make my case look worse. It takes a lot of energy to talk, so my arguments are usually really sloppy when talking in person. For this reason, I’m very careful to look like a “normie.” E.g., you would not peg me for an anarchist if you met me on the street.

[3] I don’t apply for defense contractors, police contractors, or prisons for ethical reasons, mostly ACAB-related. Engineers usually have no conscience of the world outside their field; e.g., a job is a job regardless of how your product gets used. This alone kills so many otherwise excellent job opportunities, and it alienated me from my peers. Turns out that the fash pays well for your integrity.

I want to go into research, like the biomedical research I did at school, but I don’t think I have the grades for that. I became an engineer to do good things with math and science. I’m not giving up on that, but I’m tempering my expectations for sure.

  • muppetjones
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    1 year ago

    First of all – congrats! You made it through. That’s not an easy task, and you made it.

    Second, don’t toss out grad school just yet. Poor grades will have an impact, but it’s not an insurmountable obstacle. One good option would be to try to find a job as a lab tech. Learn the ropes, improve your skills on the job, then start applying. Along the way, talk to the profesors and tell them what you want to do – they may have advice and be able to help. Most achools also have career counselor who can help, too.

    A big also: Don’t pay for grad school in STEM (maybe just STE?). Most schools waive tuition and pay you a stipend as an RA or TA.

    Third: Burn out is real. Push through what you can, but take time for yourself. This may mean taking an afternoon off or a week off – you know what you need and what you can afford.

    Context: I’m a director in a biotech with a PhD. Looking into autism for my kids and realizing I am almost certainly on the spectrum myself.

    • PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S [he/him]@lemmy.sdf.orgOP
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      1 year ago

      Most achools also have career counselor who can help, too.

      We computerized our career services. I was told to go on the website when I showed up in person. They do run some workshops, but they can/will not link students with jobs. I’ve been applying primarily through this website.

      A big also: Don’t pay for grad school in STEM (maybe just STE?). Most schools waive tuition and pay you a stipend as an RA or TA.

      My school will not take me as an RA or TA. According to the website, you need to be a PhD student, and you need to have a cumulative GPA > 3.5 initially, then maintain it above 3.0. I match the requirements to be a grader, because there are none, but I’d have to go through my academic department. Literally no professor that remembers me will have anything positive to say. I was not good at remembering to do homework, and I basically passed due to test scores. The last professor I had was the head of the department, and I also took a course with the head of the engineering college a couple years ago, both of which went poorly.

      So I’m not sure how to continue with my education without paying for it or getting a company to pay for it for me.

      One good option would be to try to find a job as a lab tech.

      I’ll look into it. Thank you for replying.