My theory is that [Tinfoil hat] there was a ketchup packet lodged in the rolls of his neck from lunch that day, and it popped when he was startled by the gunshots. He was unaware that he lost the condiment there, and it was unintentional. He genuinely thought it was blood until it trickled into his mouth, after which he raised his fist in relief, yelling “Heinz Heinz Heinz” to the crowd. [/Tinfoil hat]

Kids just aren’t allowed to have fun anymore

Look how they massacred my boy

Me and the boys getting ready to do some olympic level mental gymnastics on Fox News

They would slash their own salaries to $7.25 or less and enjoy the usual net pay raises from their billionaire donors and stock increases as a reward for keeping it that way.

And voters will cheer them on for being so selfless and suffering with the common man.

“He can’t just transfer it! He needs to launder it through a casino.”

They’re not morally satisfied with anyone who’s not a white father of at least 5 children from at least 3 mothers.

They had me in the first half

I hate it when Louisiana takes my balls

They’d be happy to make new hats and take more money from rubes, especially since they’ll self-police each other for wearing the wrong hat.

Tr’ubs

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The year is 2030. Cell tower camouflage is so realistic, literally anything could be a cell tower. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is a cell tower.

Yeah, it should blend decently with the rust.

This is why you always wait until the third season.

SmarterChild ‘24

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I remember seeing a pundit on MSNBC shouting at the camera two years ago that if Biden doesn’t run again then it NEEDS to be Harris and voters had “better fall in line.” This was way before the 2024 primary was even on the radar.

As much as I would choose almost any of the other 2020 primary candidates and any of a handful of other known Democrats over Harris, she is probably the only justifiable choice in this scenario. She was on the ticket as the back-up president that people considered in the likely event that President oldasfuck died of old age during his term, and ultimately voted for her along with Biden. They knew she would again be the backup president when they voted for Biden in this primary too, when Biden was even more obviously close to being incapacitated or killed by his oldness.

I don’t think there will be any chance at rushing a new primary, and even if there were, a chunk of people will be left unsatisfied. Certainly a progressive wouldn’t be allowed to win such a primary anyway. It’s going to be Biden and Harris, or Harris and someone else. Come to peace with it now, before the news comes at you from a shouting head trying to shame you for feeling wrong about it.

What I’m hearing is that Biden should spend the rest of his term handwriting checks.