Wendy_Pleakley [he/him, they/them]

Rough day. Rough week. Maybe nobody knows me anymore. I barely know myself. But I think I’m all I have anymore.

I don’t know if that rant was anything. I’m trying to be less emotional, but I literally comment because I can’t keep these things in. I trust this space for that, I guess.

time to get stupid to prove that I’m serious, I suppose

*woke up in the name that I wore last night

to the sound of an empty bed*

I simply need someone to take to my cognitive distortions with a hacksaw

Death!**

I feel like I have no idea at what point I’m supposed to involve other people?

Like, I’d tell someone every single thing in my head if they let me. I know my story and can tell it in great detail. I need to be prompted too, because the flip side of that is that I won’t say a word about it to anybody until I feel like I have the space to do so.

Until someone asks “what happened”, I feel zero sense of obligation or drive to say anything of substance. How can I?

It’s possible. To some extent I have to accept that we’re just on different pages. Different books.

There’s a lot I don’t share directly. If these people knew the extent of my depression and dysphoria, maybe they wouldn’t have all left me alone. I thought I was sparing them my drama but now nobody even looks for me lmao

I wish I could just shut off my pattern recognition. Truly. It’s easy once a thing happens a couple of times for that to be the new standard. Now everyone is this intimidating person that is obviously never going to text me. If I could observe that people are easy to talk to and that sending a text won’t cause my skin to disintegrate, I feel like I could change my mindset.

Unfortunately she wasn’t a shy girl, I was the shy one. I felt like I was taking a risk any time I tried speaking up. I had to be so brave to approach her. And she’d go screw one of these confident guys who is just straight up a prick (not even nice-guying, I had a bad vibe about one guy from the get go and nobody believed me because he was popular, then things between them fell apart WOW WHO GUESSED) and act like we never had any sort of connection.

But like, the fact that I’m sitting here sad about it (and I’m not even straight anymore) YEARS later and don’t know how to move on. People will just let you stay stuck. It’s fucking crazy.

I was in school and had a crush on this woman. I thought we hit it off, she was super fun and bubbly around me when we first met. We had several classes together so I saw her all the time.

Telling people didn’t work, and hiding from the world has also not worked. Two strategies that did not work. I had it in my head that someone would eventually straight up ask “Pleakley, you’re freaking out! What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

And yeah, struggling with mental illnesses creates a ton of internal contradictions. If I knew exactly what the neurotypicals wanted to hear, I would deafen them.

Being ghosted once by someone you trust will genuinely mess with your head for years

But! I made a sandwich and ate it by the river today. Yummy stuff

Idk. I’ve been a low maintenance friend in the past. I keep a lot to myself, and I guess to me, I feel like me speaking up is the sign that things are bad. Me going a long time without reaching out is the sign that things are bad. I don’t think any of my friends in school saw it that way, frankly

If I mention a thing that I am going through, I am mentioning it because I want help and another perspective. A lot of people will just stand and stare, and I’m worried that I literally have to say “can you help me fix my brain” or “can you help me want to live” because I don’t entirely know in practical terms what to ask for from an individual in the context of my mental health.

When someone makes it seem like remembering to text you is an inconvenience, you stop wanting to put that effort in. I don’t know how to undo that, I want to put my time and effort where it is valued.

I just heard that adults are responsible for self-regulating all their emotions? Yeah right. It can’t be true. It can’t be true. It can’

Edit: I’m confused, because self-regulating sounds a lot like never bothering anyone with your silly emotions. But it’s toxic to be codependent and share your problems with people?

I need some crayons or something. I’m confusing myself

Inching towards getting my own apartment finally. Gonna build the fuck out of a life for myself

More of a comment, really

Oh I totally relate. I love hugs, but am not sure when to do them

I feel much more relaxed in school now, with classmates who are 5-6 years younger than me, than I ever did when I was in school around people my own age. It’s easier to chit chat, I don’t quite understand but I enjoy it

Idk. I’m super hung up on past experiences. I feel like I’m stuck in spectator mode in my daily life until someone expresses interest. I don’t see a point in reaching out when I don’t know what to talk about, or if the person on the receiving end isn’t interested.

Like those text threads where you keep messaging and the person just says “haha yeah” “oh well you know” but never explicitly tells you they aren’t interested. But you feel their vibe, and even though you text, the responses get further and further apart. I kinda think that’s evil…? and don’t want to be in a situation where I get ghosted.

I used to be mildly better at small talk, and got really overwhelmed by big thoughts in my head. I reached a point where I didn’t feel like I could make small talk, because the existential stuff is completely jamming the pipeline. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been waiting for a follow-up that isn’t coming.

The idea of ongoing conversations is so exciting. I’d love to be a part of a conversation that continues someday

I’ve really romanticized the idea of those COVID pods people had during the pandemic.