I remember back a decade or so ago when phones had a fully customizable ringtone option, wouldn’t constantly tell you they’re overheating when it’s only thirty degrees out, had a block function that actually worked, didn’t dump spam calls on you, wasn’t always spying on you, and didn’t cost so much per month, often coupled with the possible fact you don’t actually use it everyday and maybe only have it to keep your overworried parents pleased.

I don’t know about you, but for the unforeseeable future, mine is, for the large part, ghosted. I remember being in a dispute with someone where they asked what my number was as a form of feeling secure about me. “What age do you live in” he bitterly asked, “everyone uses a phone, are you a fake zoomer who is BSing me”. This is the pedestal the existence of phones thrives on. Imagine if I was Amish, do you think I would survive past the job interview stage of finding a new job?

Even when I had high hopes, the way people would market the thousand-app aspect of it was absolutely fierce, you couldn’t go tech shopping without the person selling you stuff going on and on about the smallest nook and crannies in each extra feature like they were Steve Irwin trying to teach you the beauty of whatever animal you just happened to step on (RIP Steve Irwin), and you couldn’t do so much as go to a festival without a business person from the phone stall running up to you asking to pay for new plans like a Jehovah’s Witness on a leash (always stood out to me because they were the only ones who would operate like this).

Phones today are borderline what they are in Futurama.