I had government insurance last year, and lost it. It’s been a year without meds now. I was doing alright for a while, managed the symptoms through routine and physical activity, but I’m really struggling this month. The catatonic phase lasted for so fucking long I barely even recognized it was starting. But I’m seeing the altars again, the shadow people, social interaction is starting to become unbearably anxious, I feel like the person in my brain watching me fry the egg. The lines going between everything. One of them is watching me.
And this psychosis wave is fucking terrible compared to my last one. When shit started popping off for me, it was this dream like euphoric mania, where I’d see things like tree leaves on a color gradient, or start hearing full songs just start playing out of nowhere. The only way I can describe it is feeling like a main character of a play. Not in the sense that I’m particularly important or unique, more in the way that it felt like whoever was watching wasn’t a stalker but like a film director, picking when to play songs. I used to hallucinate friends I hadn’t spoken to in years, and would occasionally get to have chats with “them”. This all was extremely unhealthy, but at least it was pretty easy to cope with.
It felt infinitely funnier back then. As time has gone on, the thought irregularities have become darker and more disruptive. First episode lasted really long before the mania crash, but this just feels like already being in the mania crash and it only has lower to go
I know I need to be on meds, but I haven’t had money or insurance for it. America wants schizophrenic people in psychosis and homeless.
I mean, you could just ship a couple months worth (ideally 3) with a bogus return address if it’s that cheap and otc. Desperate times, desperate measures, etc. I’d PayPal or cash app the money if necessary to make it work. Just make sure LeylaLove sends you her address via a secure channel.
I’m open to exploring this as an option though I don’t know the ins and outs of it so I’d need to put in some groundwork before I’d be comfortable committing to anything but, more to the point, there’s a lot of risk on her end as she would be the one receiving what amounts to an i… *am not going to use the word because it leaves a easily traceable footprint but - 🤢🦅 *… package and she would need to expose a lot of personal information through the internet to a complete stranger for this to happen.
When you’re managing schizophrenia without medication and you’re experiencing a troubling increase in psychosis and paranoia you need the people who help you to be very careful to not unintentionally aggravate those symptoms.
If I was feeling a lot of paranoia that was becoming more difficult to manage and my reality was getting very wobbly at the edges and an anonymous person suddenly reached out to me via social media offering me the assistance that I’m a bit desperate for in exchange for me doxing myself to them and agreeing to do something i… 🤢🦅, personally that would aggravate my paranoia like nobody’s business and it’s not fair to put someone in that situation.
I have worked in the mental health sector so please don’t take this as me criticising you or anything, I know that lots of people don’t have the experience that I do but I just wanted to explain what I’m prioritising and why that is the case. I’m not some cold-hearted monster who wants to stand by when people are suffering nor am I the “Sending thoughts and prayers, bye now!” type of person but if I did send aid then I have to consider the risk of turning a situation that at present is barely manageable and deteriorating into something which is an outright emergency that the aid would be completely insufficient to address by the time that it arrives (assuming it doesn’t happen to get intercepted along the way.)
When you’re on the edge of a proper mental health crisis you need the people around you to be very risk-averse and you need them to understand that how something is done is at least as important as what actually gets done. If you screw up on the how part then you probably lose your chance at reaching the outcome that you’re aiming for.
Well, I gave 3 other possible things to try. Hopefully, one of them works! But as far as I know, you can’t be prosecuted for something showing up on your doorstep from the mail. After all, there would be no proof you asked for or solicited it, even if it was an “illegal” or restricted drug.
I hear what you’re saying but it’s really important that we come at this from a place of deep empathy.
I’m sure there must have been a situation in your life where you were totally convinced that something pretty terrible was going to happen - maybe that a partner was going to dump you, you were going to get fired from work, someone was going to blame you and you wouldn’t be able to prove your innocence, you were informed that someone close to you was involved in an accident and has been rushed to the hospital but nobody can provide any more info, that sort of thing - and those feelings built up inside you until you basically knew that it was all over and nothing would change that fact. You might have even felt physically sick with worry and avoided doing things like checking messages or answering your phone. People might have even tried to convince you that you’re getting worked up over nothing and that everything would be fine although it wouldn’t have made any difference to how you felt at the time. But then eventually it turned out that you were completely wrong and it all just blew over like nothing ever happened.
So if you take that experience and dial it up to 11, that’s kind of like how schizophrenic paranoia would feel. But on top of that you’re also hallucinating and you’re seeing disturbing things like shadow people who are watching you and there’s probably more stuff that you do not feel comfortable or safe to tell others about.
Now, with all that in mind, you get approached by a person who has something you need. And all they are asking from you is a bit of your personal information and for you to agree to certain things. You don’t know who this person is. You don’t really know how secure your communication is. But you really need it so you decide to agree to it. And now you have to wait for a week or two and you have no idea what will happen next or what could go wrong at any point.
How much does this situation impact on your psychological state? Does the fact that you probably shouldn’t be liable for prosecution really change what you’re experiencing?
Keep in mind that in the situation I invited you to recall from your past, you had a resolution to the experience of worry or dread because you discovered that you were operating under a misapprehension.
What is it going to be like for you if don’t ever get a resolution to this hypothetical situation? How does that impact on your life for the foreseeable future?
How does that impact your ability to communicate with others, to engage with the world, and to function?
How long does this hang over your head for?
Please try to remember what I said in my comment above - if you aren’t focused on how something is done in these types of situations then you’re likely going to lose your chance at achieving your outcome.
When paramedics attend an emergency mental health call, their objective is to get the person into the ambulance and to the hospital so they can be treated and stabilised, right? So why don’t the paramedics just send in cops to kick down the person’s door and slap them in cuffs before dragging them off and throwing them in the back of the ambulance?
Because if you’re dealing with a person who is on the edge of a proper mental health crisis, the how is at least as important as what actually gets done.
In this case, you have successfully got the patient into the ambulance and now they can be transported to hospital and now you can achieve your outcome of treatment and stabilisation.
Have you made it more or less likely that the patient is going to comply with treatment though?
How has your approach affected your ability to achieve your goal of stabilising the patient - are you closer to it or are you actually much further away from it than you were when you began?
I can definitely see how waiting two weeks for a semi-illegal package could be very, very bad for somebody with a paranoia-causing illness. I shouldn’t have suggested it in this case. I definitely don’t want to unintentionally steer her away from attempting to get medical care. From what I’ve seen so far though, she is pretty solidly invested in doing so or at least in finding ways to cope.
In most other circumstances, sending cheap lifesaving drugs internationally is based and not actually dangerous aside from initially sharing contact details, especially if it is not a scheduled controled substance, as is the case here; I want to make that clear.
I hope that Leyla finds a way to access the meds she wants and needs as soon as possible.
I actually have a relative with paranoid schizophrenia and I should have known better.