Y’all I feel like shit (bland, dull, bad, idk how else to describe it). I’m hoping this is just because I’m on the tail end of my injection cycle, but if it’s not I’m probably about to be put into the ringer. I really should look into therapy or something because I get the smallest wins (especially after starting E) and I say “wow E cured my depression I thought I had already gotten over” and then I get back into it and it feels worse than it did before. It could also be Bipolar or something of that vein, or even worse its just something fun that could possibly come from AuDHD (realizing as I am typing this that it would have been better for the neurodiverse comm but whatever I need to get it out there). Despite being on Hexbear now and getting to talk to all of you, I feel lonlier than I have probably ever felt. I got a taste of this almost a year ago when most of the people I know either moved or became too occupied, and I was like “this is fine, I like isolation anyway, I like my personal time” and then my family was gone and I realized how much I despise it. After my egg cracked though I suddenly found myself wanting to spend more time with other people. The issue is, after “preferring” isolation for so long (in combination with my AuDHD and whatever else is going on inside my head) I am left without (what I feel) are adequate skills to meet new people, make new friends, even talk to other peers. The farthest I can get in conversations was my (now ex) cashier job and in passing with strangers while walking/hiking because I have had a lot of time to hone scripts for these situations. When I don’t have a script, however, and I try to do something, it sends me into an anxiety-ridden spiral (I struggle to learn because I just form scripts, these don’t help me improve). This is so bad that it even happens on here; It’s the reason I often don’t know what to say, can’t respond to others appropriately, etc (Y’all have just been getting a lot of this , I’m sorry I just haven’t really been able to put much into words).

Fuck my AuDHD, Fuck Depression (or Bipolar or whatever the fuck), Fuck Social Anxiety (and anxiety in general), and of course, I’m extremely sorry I haven’t been present. How horrible is it that I disassociate from an internet forum and just enter lurker mode again. It makes me feel horrible and like a stalker

thinking of cooking something nice for a partner or even just grabbing our favourite meals and hanging out on vc, planning the next time we’ll be close

not a great pride month this year, but maybe next 🙁