i’m just so fucking overwhelmed with everything. i’m so sick, so tired, so socially withdrawn and life just won’t let up. i just want to feel okay. this isn’t like a crisis or anything, i’m gonna survive and things will get better with time but i finally felt like i could get into words all of the shit that i’ve been trying to cope with.

got covid 2 months ago while my partner and i were travelling home n they were moving to my country. been sick ever since. it’s the second time i’ve picked up a chronic illness from an infection, and the last time it took over a year to feel reasonably back to normal. and i was chronically ill before that. partner ended up worse off than me n going through a very long medication withdrawal. and i’ve just been struggling to do the bare minimum to survive since then. things got even harder when we ran out of the medication i’ve been using to treat all the post-covid symptoms i’ve been having, and cope with stress and pain, and since then i’ve barely been able to sleep or eat. but also everyone in my community basically depends on me to get food and water since i’m the only one of us able to drive, and it’s 20 minutes walk up a mountain from the point i can park the car. a trip out leaves me in bed for the rest of the day.

i’m intersex and it’s kinda too convoluted to go into specifics cuz it interacts with a different condition i have but this a) causes me to have to take T in order to be maintain some semblance of physical health and mobility, even tho i get dysphoria from body and facial hair and b) has been causing my usually inert uterus to cramp and shed every day for the past year. i only just realised it had been that long. last time i tried to get help with this a few years ago the doctors were incompetent and actively harmful and i’m not willing to go through that again, nor do i think it would be any different. but now also my hormones nearly ran out and the last 2 orders i tried to make didn’t arrive. wondering if i should try another company but i would then have to find one, which my brain doesn’t like the sound of, and spend money which is in short supply in order to do that, and i’d have no guarantee it would arrive anyway since it would be a new source. and the money isn’t even mine cuz i ran out of that and i can’t work. i found one last dose after i thought i ran out and that has apparently helped enough that i feel like i can communicate the stuff that’s affecting me and write this out. but it’s 4am and i have to go out again tomorrow morning and i don’t imagine sleep is on the table.

i haven’t been able to work on any of the things i need to that would make life less hard work and more comfortable because i’ve been so sick. and everything has complications that make it overwhelming to even start, or just flat out impossible cuz of not having enouhg money to do it and as much as i’ve been trying to not feel mad at myself for this cuz i know i’m sick and disabled and i’m doing my best. but the longer this is going on for the worse i feel about myself. feel like it’s getting harder and harder to enjoy things or feel excited about anything or make decisions and i’m getting stuck for hours scrolling until i’ve read everything and then just idly looking for new stuff that isn’t there.

i have been really unable to communicate my needs to other people when it comes to stuff i need help with, cuz they’re all struggling and not able to do much either, and asking or talking about myself when there is nothing they can do is only going to make them feel bad, and i just don’t feel like i deserve it rn. i’m afraid of inadvertently hurting people by just needing help and not being good enough. so i just carry on like my own needs don’t exist, and half the time i’m not even aware of them myself.

i’d really like to order a variety of medication and drug that will help my mental and physical health, and maybe even feel a little bit sometimes, and i have been doing that to a limited extent but there isn’t really enough money to do that , and the postal service is so broken it takes weeks for anything to arrive. (i do wanna add here that i’m a disabled and neurospicy mess who needes chemical assistance to survive, but i have a good track record of doing that safely and it actually helping me so pls dw)

and it’s just fucked because i know things aren’t gonna be this bad forever. my partner is slowly recovering and has been able to do things more. and i don’t know what i’d have done without them these past couple months, honestly. anxiety meds will arrive and i’ll hopefully be able to eat and sleep. friend’s car will be fixed soon which means we will be able to drive all the way home and not have to walk. but i’m just feeling really trapped inside myself and dissociated and i don’t know how long it’s gonna be until i feel okay again. i’ve been coping p well, largely had a good mood and mental state, until a couple weeks ago. i wanna feel like myself again.

i think that’s probably about it. thank u for reading anyone brave enough to make it this far