So basically I said I just wanted space for some time. She took this as that she’s never allowed to talk to me again.
Yesterday her lover(26M), which is also a friend of mine, I’ve known for a long time, came to talk to me and told me this. He also doesn’t want to do anything with me until I start being friends with her again, because he thinks he’s standing between us.
I tried doing activities with both of them together, but somehow it always makes me miserable to see her happy with someone else.
Next week is a festival where we planned to go together and I lined everything up to see how things are going or in which direction we can move from here. For info: Another girl is also going with us I think the dynamic would change a bit. There’s also a lot of other people I know at the festival.
I feel like I should just talk to 20F, but I don’t think I will tell her anything she want’s to hear. So I don’t know if this can improve the situation in any way.
So let me get this straight - you fell in love with her, she rejected you, and you very understandably wanted to withdraw so you could start getting over your feelings?
I know it’s hard, but by far the best thing you can do is keep the distance. Why on Earth would you go to a festival with the girl you love and her boyfriend? Why torment yourself like that?
I don’t think the festival will be a problem. We’re staying in an apartement where I’ve got my own room. There’s another girl I don’t really know with us, but she seems friendly. Also there are about 30 people from my area at the festival. Some I know better, some less. So there will be a lot of time and opportunities to connect with other people. I plan not to focus too much on her.
Also I booked the apartment back in January and it’s probably too late to ask other people if I can come with them, so I’m making the best of it.
I feel they are both being very selfish about this, sorry this is happening to you :( Sounds like they want you to pretend you’re fine so they can stop thinking about it or feeling guilty but space seems like the best idea here…
I’m feeling the same. I don’t blame them though. It’s not an easy situation and people cope differently. Right now I’m the only person that can do anything about it and I decided to postpone this step into the future.
So you told her how you feel, and she told you she doesn’t feel the same. Now she’s dating a mutual friend, and they both want you to be their friend, even though you asked for space.
Is that correct?
Because if so these friends don’t seem to be considering what you need. Your feelings matter, even if they’re inconvenient for them.
Like any other interpersonal relationship concise, honest communication is always the best. Talk to your long time friend first. Once you’ve come to an understanding about your friendship dynamic, and how it relates to her, talk to her.
The end goal is to give yourself what you need to clear your head & heart, so you can move forward, and they can move forward too.
“To thine own self be true.” — Some Dude…
Is this a friendship you want? It sounds like it’s upsetting seeing her with someone else. I would say it’s time to move on.
Thanks, it already felt like I had to do this. Will talk to some friends about it nonetheless.
UPDATE: I had already booked a second apartment for the festival. I wrote my friend (26M) before that I didn’t really know if it was a good idea to go to the festival with them. (I also wrote her) He reassured my decision to go with them with the simple statement “I think we can manage this”. So I cancelled my single apartment and went with them and the other girl. It went pretty much how I expected it. I discovered the festival on my own and spent most of the time with other people I know and the girl I didn’t know before. The two (20F and 26M) spent almost all time together, so I spent most of the time we were together with the other girl. Also, another couple came on the day before the last day and spent the night at our place. This was another opportunity to spend the night with other people and reconnect.
What festival did you go to?
Hospitality on the Beach in Croatia
Nice, it looks fun, although I don’t recognize a single band on the lineup haha. How was it?
It’s mostly Drum and Bass DJs that are somewhat related to Hospital Records (UK). So, a lot of UK people there (recognizable by the balloons :). Almost all of the sets I saw were great. Also I had friends in the resort directly behind the main stage :D (ideal to decide when to leave the balcony and go raving)
I want to add, if you don’t like the music, you still have a vacation in Croatia ;)
I will have to check out some of the music - can’t say I ever really have listened to that genre. Any good artists you recommend?
I don’t know your style so I will recommend some I saw at the festival: Camo & Krooked, Mefjus, Mozey, A.M.C, Monrroe, Jumpin Jack Frost. Aaand some others: Monss, Disphonia, Primate, Commix, Phibes.
I’m the type that listens to a little bit of everything. Awesome, thanks for the recs! Screenshotted!
it always makes me miserable to see her happy with someone else
Well, frankly - you can’t handle a friendship with her. Friends are supposed to support each other’s successes and you don’t have the capacity to be genuine about it right now.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or weak or whatever. It’s human nature. It’s part of the risk we take when we have the capacity to love. Even when we want a friendship and understand that value, there remains an unskippable hurdle.
Go to the festival, but you should tell her honestly that you’re not ready to be friends - and it has nothing to do with her. And ask her to respect your boundaries in the interim.
Maybe in a few months or a year, you’ll be a better place to reconnect. Maybe by the time you’re ready, you’ll find your circle of friends to be more fulfilling and you don’t need her.
Time and space. You otherwise can’t heal if you’re constantly having sounds reopened.
You summed up pretty good how I feel about all this. The only thing missing is that I didn’t quite know how to tell her exactly that a friendship is not possible for me right now.
Sounds like you aren’t ready to resume the friendship - and that’s ok! It is also ok to never be ready. Let your friend 26m know you aren’t ready yet. A good friend will understand. Either skip the festival or go with a different group. Best of luck!!
