Hi all. Apologies if this isn’t the right community for this type of question. Just let me know and I’ll remove it.

Recently I’ve been struggling a bit. There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help. The advice I’ve had in the past is “just be a friend and be there for them,” but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can’t.

And it’s been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It’s pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can’t help it. I don’t tell these people that I am stressed out because of them and I don’t tell them that it is affecting me in any way. It’s such an asshole move for me to be feeling this way but I just don’t know how to get out of it.

I try to be nice and friendly all the time, but it’s killing me. I just want to be able to help but I can’t. I’m completely and totally powerless.

Surely there are those of you out there who care about others and have run into this issue before. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do? “Just be a friend” doesn’t help my mental state or do anything for any of the issues that any of us have.

Thanks all.

  • partial_accumen@lemmy.world
    6·
    1 year ago

    I do talk to them and try to be there for them, but there is only so much I seem to be mentally able to handle when it’s never ending.

    Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? Is your relationship with that person structured around their suffering and you are simply a dumping ground for them to unload on? If so, you may be a friend to this person, but they may not be a friend to you. This may be one of those to cut off.

    Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much “life” going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others). Even so, if they are your friend, then they will care about you too. You can have an open dialogue with them and let them know that you are beyond your safe limits in being exposed to their problems. Figure out how much for yourself you’re willing to expose yourself to this person and communicate this boundary. If they are your friend, they’ll respect you, and your boundary. If they get angry with you for this or boundary stomp on you, then they aren’t your friend (or they’re not mature enough to be a healthy friend).

    But to be honest, I don’t necessarily agree with the fire thing. I probably would sacrifice myself for these people. My life is objectively far less important or meaningful than the people I am referring to. I am more disposable than them if that makes sense.

    Ignore everything else I’ve posted before. For this moment I will “be there” for you and take my own advice when I said “if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear”

    Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don’t know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

    You are NOT in a place to be able to support others. You need to spend time on yourself and find the source of this idea that you are worth less than others. I highly recommend seeking help from professionals equipped to help with this. Don’t be ashamed to seek it either. None of us are born with everything we need to sort out this crazy world and our own place in it. However, there are developed skills that can immensely help. Given enough time maybe you could fix this on your own, but it may take 30 or 40 years. Take the shortcut. See a professional that can help you zero in on this.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? …

      Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much “life” going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others) …

      It’s definitely the latter. They got dealt some shitty things in life and there’s not much to be done about some of these things. I don’t think I could ever tell them that it bothers me. They really don’t overburden me or do it incessantly or anything. I’m just not good at being a friend about it.

      Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don’t know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

      I don’t mean that my life is worthless. However, objectively, some people’s lives are worth more than others. Whose life is worth more? A heart surgeon or a serial killer? A 99 year old man who has already lived his life or a 25 year old father supporting 3 children? If you could only save one or the other in any of these scenarios, I know who everyone would pick.

      Sure, most of the time it’s not an overly obvious line like that. But objectively, my life is far less important than the people I am talking about in the OP. It’s just a fact of life. And I both care about these people and recognize this. If I were talking about others in my life, the line would not necessarily be as clear. I don’t think it makes me mentally ill for recognizing this.

      However, I will say I looked into therapy somewhat recently and was amazed at how expensive it was. $200 per session after insurance. No idea how people afford it.