Greetings.
I’m in quite of a pickle here, and just thinking about it will get me nowhere.
.
I attend a group hobby weekly.
Quite often we go for a follow-up hang-out in the local bar. I recall everyone else buying a drink and coming to sit down to have a chat.
I don’t buy anything. I wait for the first of us ordering and then I follow them to the table.
One of our attendees has commented on my behavior twice so far.
First she said that I’m a bum. That I use the bar’s staff and the place for my own benefit. There’s a chance that she said that in front of someone else.
Last night she commented that I’m still doing this (we two sat alone for a while). She’s afraid that they’ll throw us out because of my behavior.
I explained that I rarely buy stuff from bars.
On the second comment I said that I’ll probably continue this behavior to the end of times and they won’t throw us out because everyone else spends money. And that my friend said that she or her friends do the same thing quite commonly.
I could have felt her loathing upon me.
I don’t have the money to buy pricy consumables.
I have my own water bottle and sometimes snacks from a market to keep my belly full enough. Or then I don’t eat anything and eat later.
I’m there because of the company.
The employees haven’t commented anything about my behavior. I don’t know, would they even care.
.
Thoughts?
Am I unfair or is she?
I’m thinking about asking her next time that should I just leave if I’m such a bother to her.
I’m also thinking about suggesting us to talk about this as a group.
.
EDIT: I don’t think this is about alcohol. I believe most of them order something else cos it’s late Monday and most people go to work the next day.
EDIT2: We don’t have the tipping culture here.
EDIT3: Thanks for all the comments! You give my mind and feels some peace 💗
I’m a waitress. As long as you’re not making a mess, and you’re keeping company with people who are patronizing the establishment, you’re fine. You said you’re filling your own water bottle? Sounds like you’re making no additional work for the service staff, so don’t worry about it.
I have my water ready before I even enter the place.
As a person who worked in the industry for a decade, they clearly don’t care, or they would have said something. I’d only care if you were starting trouble and that is clearly not the case. Some bars will care about bringing in outside food or drinks, but that’s about it.
My honest advice: just order a water from the bar. In most bars (at least in America) the water is free and the bartender will just assume you’re the DD, and it might shut your clearly crazy/controlling friend there up.
What’s a DD?
Designated Driver, i.e. the person who won’t be drinking any alcohol so that they can safely (and legally) drive the rest of the group home. Mostly a US thing where driving is the primary means of transportation.
DD is common in Australia too. Sometimes they even give you free fizz to DDs.
Designated driver
I would go with something along the lines of: “it’s called responsibility, Friend. I have my own finances to consider, and I am not responsible for the bookkeeping of this establishment. There is no drink minimum. Let the bar’s business be theirs, mine be mine, and yours be your own.”
To go one step further, ask a server in front of them if it’s ok if you hang out and don’t drink, if I’m with a group. They will say “yes, that’s fine”.
Just the last sentence imo. The rest is debate and I’m not sure there’s a point laying out reasons and getting into it with her.
You’re there with a whole group of people who are all spending money, and you’re not making any demands of the staff, so I doubt that anyone who works there is upset by it.
It sounds like this lady is just looking for an excuse to be upset about something.
You’re not a bum. She’s being rude saying so.
The business is there to make money, so naturally they want everybody there to spend money. And businesses have been very successful in making people think they have to justify their presence. It’s ok to not have something squeezed out of you just for being there. If it’s a problem for the business, let them speak up, but having people try and shame others into doing things they don’t want to do is not behavior I would want in my social groups.
It sounds like THEY chose the bar as a meeting place. It’s not your fault that’s where they chose to associate. Did anyone say, “Let’s meet at the bar to hang out, but only those that buy bar stuff?” I doubt it. You shouldn’t feel pressured at all. It’s her problem. In fact, as far as I’m concerned SHE should be the one to leave if she’s uncomfortable. Or here’s an idea, she could offer to treat you to some onion rings or something, instead of complaining. If I sensed that someone in my group was not buying at the bar we meet in, every time, I’d start to think that person either had a drinking problem or didn’t have the money to buy there. Either way, I wouldn’t bring it up. I wouldn’t want to embarrass the person. I’d probably just buy an extra large something, or “accidently” order two of something and offer it up to that person.
Do you know what a business is?
I know it’s BAD business to ask one person to leave his group of friends because he isn’t buying anything.
Do you know what a shill is?
You’re not doing anything wrong. As far as the name caller is concerned, find a way to respond to her politely yet firmly. Don’t sink to her level, or create reasons for others to criticize your behavior, but don’t take her abuse, either.
Perhaps act surprised if she brings it up again. “I told you that I don’t buy things from bars, and that I’d continue this behavior. What is unclear about that?” You have explained yourself as thoroughly as you need to. Don’t let her put you on the defensive. If she wants to make it an issue, that’s her problem. It’s her turn to explain herself.
You are not doing anything wrong. Bars are overpriced
Tell her to buy you something if she’s uncomfortable lol
On a serious note, are you getting table service or are people going up to the bar and ordering? If table service, I can see why some people might find it awkward, but I don’t think it’s bad to do. If you have to go up to the bar to order, then I don’t even see why she’d think it’s weird.
People walk up to the bar when entering the place, get a drink and take it to tables.
…I’m not sure how they’d get a refill (I don’t recall my group refilling) but I’d assume they go up to the bar again.
What a ridiculous thing to start throwing shade about. You’re there with a group and the group is spending money. I always see people just having water or soda out with a drinking group. Bars even give that out free sometimes, for a designated driver situation. If anything I would guess she has an insecurity about going out drinking at the bar and needs you to be doing the same or else she thinks it makes her look bad.
I don’t think this is about alcohol.
I believe most of them order something else cos it’s late Monday and most people go to work the next day.
I read a couple of answers here, but I thought I’d give my 2 cents anyway. I mostly agree with the others that said it’s not a big deal and seems to be a principle of hers.
I saw that you’re not from the US. In Germany, there’s an unwritten rule that you never bring any kind of food or beverage to a restaurant. We have other fun stuff like most restaurants not giving out free water or charging you for using the toilet if you haven’t bought anything.
I could see her being upset with you if you drank your own water and ate your own food in the restaurant. But, again, that’s only from my German point of view.
That’s not just a German thing, here in Canada or the USA it’s strongly frowned on to bring your own food or drink to a restaurant or bar. And “no public toilet” snuck in to a lot of places at Covid time and never left.
Fast food is different and definitely not enforced but it’s still poor etiquette to eat anything other than small snacks or water there unless you’re part of a group. Like a bunch of guys stop at McDonald’s but one guy is like nah, I packed a sandwich, I’m gonna eat that.
Still it’s kind of expected that guy would buy a coffee or something. This is what I would do in OP’s situation, have a coffee or a diet Coke if you’re hanging out there for awhile. I wouldn’t complain about “pricy consumables”, it’s like $2.
Although in some ways i do get “it sucks that I can’t make money from people who use the bathroom” when you run a business, also — would you prefer I shit all over the floor? It’s not like I go into bathrooms for fun.
I believe that also a coke is something around 5€ here
Look, she’s obviously being passive aggressive towards you. The guy saying “tell her to buy you something if she’s uncomfortable” is spot on. She’s trying to shame you over being different, aka tall poppy syndrome. Show some teeth or she will keep pecking at you. Yes, talk it with the group. If everyone agrees with this bitch it’s time to find yourself better friends. You shouldn’t be providing an excuse for why you don’t want to buy or consume something. Maybe you are not hungry, or you don’t want to drink alcohol that late on a weekday or maybe you do intermittent fasting- who knows, what gives, wtf. Seriously.
You are not doing anything wrong. She is a bitch.
She sounds like a jerk. You sound perfectly normal to me. And having worked in fast food in the past, I can assure you, nobody cares. Now if it’s busy and your whole group is taking up table space and not ordering/fine eating, it’s polite to leave (especially if it’s a sit-down place where they rely on tips), but that’s about it.
I will go against everyone here. You should buy a drink. Is polite. And it may make your friends bit uncomfortable.
That being said, while it is not a public place, not sure why they would care much considering others are purchasing something. Maybe your group should locate other location.
