or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State

It’s pretty clear if you read it.

It doesn’t list that many. Did you know this exact question came up at the time the Amendment was being drafted? https://crsreports.congress.gov/product/pdf/lsb/lsb10569

Specifically:

One scholar notes that the drafting history of Section 3 of the Fourteenth Amendment suggests that the office of the President is covered:

During the debate on Section Three, one Senator asked why ex-Confederates “may be elected President or Vice President of the United States, and why did you all omit to exclude them? I do not understand them to be excluded from the privilege of holding the two highest offices in the gift of the nation.” Another Senator replied that the lack of specific language on the Presidency and Vice- Presidency was irrelevant: “Let me call the Senator’s attention to the words ‘or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States.’”

I’ll highlight that last bit again:

Another Senator replied that the lack of specific language on the Presidency and Vice- Presidency was irrelevant: “Let me call the Senator’s attention to the words ‘or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States.’”

That is from this paper: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3748639

There you go. You can stop being a traitor now, please and thanks.

The president is included. Poorly worded sure, but not a loophole.

as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Officer_of_the_United_States