To start for anyone that may be concerned by the title, I’ve always considered myself an ally and I’ve supported both family and friends when they came out to me. I’ve always known that it takes a lot of trust for someone to come out like that, and I want to be the friend that they feel safe to talk with about that stuff.
I’m autistic, and I’ve recently started my journey of understanding that, my gender, and my sexuality. I’ve suspected since college that I was ace, and finally understood that about myself in the last few months. I made the first public message ever referring to myself as queer in a casual setting as a passing comment today which honestly felt a little strange, but already feels natural.
What I need help with understanding, is why should I actively tell my friends and family about it? The way I see it, I’ve always been this way and nothing will change in me between now and 10 seconds after I say something. I don’t think of it as hiding anything either, I think of it as me being me. Why do others feel the need to share with people close to them?
Identifying yourself isn’t for them, it’s for you. If you think it’s pointless to do so, then it is.
good point. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the whole point of pride is to exist the way we want to, including how we interact with our identity
Well-intentioned advice can come across the wrong way when the person giving it forgets this. There’s an assumption that not coming out is a sign of something negative, but that’s not necessarily true.
I’m very late to this comment, but I wanted to say I agree! I think part of it is a knee jerk reaction to the fact that it was (and unfortunately still is) dangerous for many people to out themselves and so they think you have to be out if it’s safe because being stuck in when you don’t want to be is bad. Completely forgetting that some people don’t have a desire to be out, and are happy just living their lives as is.
I just cut ties with anyone that acts like I need to come out. It’s creepy especially because in my case it’s always naive straight people that are interested in my penises life. It’s like they want to live their gayness through other people. Its such a gross vibe they put out having such a an interest in my dick. In a way… It’s gayer than gay.
I probably would have been more open if people weren’t creeps about it. It could have been natural but it’s all fucked up now.
That’s invasive and insensitive of them. Ick. Have you ever told them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable, and why? If they’re naive but otherwise decent people, maybe they just need the problem explained to them, and they’ll knock it off once they understand.
Most of them are of that mind set that you don’t need to do anything in life after you graduate highschool and pop a couple of kids out. Then there’s a select few who are highly intelligent in ways but have different values and traditions. I used to think people could connect off intelligence and “over-standing” but ever since 2020 it just feels like an active psychological civil war. It’s like raw human power is being wasted on ignoring the nature of natural humanity… Traded for the ungraspable idea of controlling the universe… In turn creating unbalance for the globe.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in such a lousy situation. It seems like you’re handling things the best way you can, under the circumstances.
Thanks. I’m trying. I can’t help but feel learning and growth from it. I just hope the situation goes away soon.
You don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to. And don’t feel pressured to.
it takes a lot of trust for someone to come out
Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you personally, it might mean something to those close to you. Sharing these types of things is what helps build trust between people. It might also help them understand you better (improving communication, for example).
There are other possible benefits to those close to you as well. For anyone who isn’t as exposed or comfortable with the LGBTQ+, it might help normalize them to the queer community a bit (or at least be a step). It may also benefit the larger queer community just by your representation (and in my experience, it seems like the ace community is often underrepresented).
Of course, coming out exposes you to possible backlash and difficulty, so of course you’re not obligated to do so (or on any particular schedule). But hopefully that helps explain some of the possible benefits.
this was extremely helpful, thank you! You know how everyone experiences autism differently? Well, interpersonal stuff is an endless void for me.
There are a thousand things about yourself that you don’t share with people around you. We make choices every day about what to share about ourselves, and even if we wanted to share absolutely everything, there are only 24 hours in the day, so it’s impossible.
So then, how do we choose any topic of conversation? It all depends what you’re trying to do.
Your wording is notable. You asked why others “feel the need to share”. That sounds like an implication that people by default wouldn’t share, but they have strong enough feelings, so they somehow are impelled to share… I disagree with that position. I would say that people make their own choices, and there is no default about sharing or not sharing.
I felt this way until I tried it. And being my authentic self felt good.
I ended up telling my colleague yesterday I was on a float at pride, and today they asked me to explain the difference between bi and pan.
As the (rapidly aging and out of touch) father of a queer youth, I’ve often wondered why kids today so much time talking about who they want to rub their genitals against and very little time rubbing their genitals against those things.
Go be happy, have fun, don’t worry about me, I don’t need the details. I’m sure not broadcasting my kinks.
Hi, it’s not about telling who we would like to have intercourse with and it’s definitely not the same thing as sharing your fetish.
There’s a big difference between saying “I’m gay” and “I get off to feet.” Coming out and talking about our sexuality is about the community. It’s to say “we’re here whether you like it or not, better get used to it.”
The point of coming out for the pride movement is to represent for the rest of the community, to let them know they have allies and peers and are not alone. And when hate groups know we are legion, they are cowed and less inclined to harass.
That said, by all means do not come out until you are good and ready and it’s safe. Especially if you suspect your food, job and housing might be at risk or your region deals with a lot of hate crime.
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Your submission in “Please help me understand why I should share my identity” was removed for Gatekeeping.
You don’t need to if you don’t wanna. But coming out to my parents helped me when I was a teenager. It is so painful to answer comments that assumed that I was a cis hetero guy, with “haha yea…” or something adjacent to that. I hated lying to my parents and my friends, I didn’t realise how much pressure it put me under.
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