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Perhaps we should consider that both things can be true: she intended the compliment of “I am sexually AND emotionally to you to such a great degree that I want nothing less than marriage”; and his reaction was valid because he perceived the meaning as “I’m settling for you”.
We don’t know how this miscommunication happened. She could have phrased it poorly or said it in a weird tone. He could have misheard. He could have a ton of pre-existing conditioning and pressures that led him to place her comment in a social context that she doesn’t share.
Neither of them have to be in the wrong here. Both of them should do the work and try to understand each other better.
but also
completely right
i’m not male or insecure but i can definitely see how this compliment might come across as her telling him he’s not hot/she isn’t crazy about his looks or his personality, but that he’s “a good guy” and “marriage material”- which yes, those are also compliments, but in this context could be taken as backhanded. i feel like maybe she should have just said something else. i also feel like acting like men aren’t allowed to have feelings or insecurities or be upset is absurd.
Lots of people in here just acting like Men aren’t ever insecure about their bodies.
Hexbear: men should shirk toxic masculinity and embrace their emotions!
Also Hexbear: this man, who I have one (1) data point about, is clearly upset here because his ability to control women through sex is being undercut. This is why dating men is the worst, just toughen up and take the compliment bro!!
I think you see this reflected in media too when women in a heterosexual relationship who have a crisis over not feeling desired or something along those lines, is displayed in a sympathetic way.
“Women like to feel chased and desired.” Is a common through line in stories in which romance needs to be re-injected into the relationship. However here, a potentially miss worded compliment which states how they like their fulfilling stable relationship but also decenters the importance or existence of physical attraction towards the man can’t possibly be understood that way. Naturally stories are maybe more dramatic in their portrayal, but I think this this issue can be common in long-term relationships. Regardless of gender composition of the relationship or the gender of the person who may be feeling that way.
Hi
Or that men are unaffected by negging. Like if you break it down, this could easily be interpreted as negging, even if that was not the intention.
Male, not insecure much to my knowledge; I think the split here is “I wouldn’t just fuck you”. As far as I understand the world attraction for women to men is much less based on “beauty standards” and more other factors.
Everytime I said to the women in my life “That guy’s hot, isn’t he?” on the basis of what I think would be an attractive man I get back “God, no”. Think like, I don’t know, Ryan Gosling or Alan Ritcherson or and then Jack Black comes up and their heart beats ouf of their chest, their eyes get comically large and they go “AWOOOOOOOOOOOOGA”. I’ve since learned I have no idea what hetero women find hot and that people like Ryan Gosling or Alan Ritcherson are, going by looks, more like a male fantasy of how and what to look like.
So coming from the womens POV that sounds like a compliment, but to the guy it sounds like “I don’t think you’re physically that hot.”, because he’s Jack Black and not Ryan Gosling if that makes sense. I think the ire here is in large part that women are often complimented on their looks, rarely on their skills and it’s vice versa for men, which is why he probably wants to hear he’s Ryan Gosling and not Jack Black.
All very much generalized and such, but that’s what I figured. Given her version of the story I think storming out is a bit much, though.
i mean no disrespect when i say this, it’s absurd to believe women don’t actually think ryan gosling and dudes like that are hot. that is literally 90% of their appeal and why they’re rich and famous- women pay to see them in movies because they’re hot. i know they’ll say that if you ask them, but my brother, come on. they certainly probably find jack black more entertaining and “huggable” but if we’re being honest with ourselves, and you ask 10 women which of these two men they find more attractive, do you honestly, HONESTLY think most of them would pick jack black?
also, “i find you attractive like jack black, not like ryan gosling” isn’t a nice compliment.
i think people really just have trouble admitting that women can be insensitive and shitty just like men can, and that men can have insecurities and feelings and it isn’t invalid. there are so many people in here acting like “you just haven’t read enough feminist theory” to justify taking the girlfriend’s side in this post, but that’s just mental gymnastics. i love shitting on men all day, i will shit on men like nobody’s business, but i can not read this post and not think her boyfriend was right to be upset
It feels odd to presume every women that I talk about such topics with because we have close, personal friendships would lie to me about it. It’s not like I haven’t heard them saying things about Jack Black not suitable to be repeated in polite company after some drinks. And hell, on the scale of Ryan Gosling to Jack Black I definitely trend towards Gosling, not jack.
it’s not that they’re lying, it’s that wE LiVe iN a SoCiETy that makes women feel bad for lusting after hot men, so they would reflexively say that jack black is more attractive to them when put in that situation.
When did she say he wasn’t attractive lmao? I am so confused at people drawing this conclusion
Because if he’s attractive then obviously his girlfriend would want to have NSA sex with him and randomly hookup. Women only do one night stands with attractive men. Ugly men don’t get random hookups. Plus it’s all about sex. You can’t be in a relationship with someone and have mutual respect, care for one another, and have sex. Nope, it’s got to be two hot people fucking and sucking.
Why yes I’m aware of propaganda and problematic culture, that means I’m immune to buying into it. How can you tell?
Sorry I got the tizzy so I have no idea if this was sarcasm or not lmao
I am both male and insecure about my body, but if my partner said this to me I would take it to mean “I wouldn’t just fuck you once, I’d spend my life with you and fuck you many times”
Right? Like damn you like me that much lol
Finally some common sense.
Can’t really judge neither of them based on this text alone, not enough information, we don’t know the tone of how she said it, their relationship in the 2.5 years and their lives before, we don’t know these people’s faces or names or even if they broke up yet or got over it, if it’s an insult or a compliment depends on their life. He could’ve been insecure about his looks and was bullied because of it throughout his life, or he could be a manipulative person with crocodile tears, and maybe this is all an AI reddit bot posting something controversial for Karma, we can’t really judge much.
beanis
Look Morty I’m Beanis Rick
Cucumbers are from the cucurbeanis family, as opposed to true beanii from the ligmagume family.
You’d have to be incredibly obtuse to see such a thing as a compliment. It sounds backhanded and almost like she’s negging him. Like you’d have to consider men as emotionless robots with no deeper feelings or thought to see this as compliment. Oh wait, that’s how society sees men! And you’d have to know nothing about male gender roles and expectations to not see how this could be insulting. Imagine wanting to spend the rest of life with someone (in this case a man), and knowing this little about their gender identity. And I say this as someone that’s dated men. I don’t know, maybe this is all incredibly obvious to me as a man or something, because I cannot see how that would be a compliment.
The way it could be interpreted as a comliment is that fwb or hookup is too shallow and she wouldn’t be able to keep it at that level. But it is very badly worded if so. Just say “You’re the kind of man I would like to marry” instead, adding in the fwb and hookup stuff before adds nothing to the compliment.
How? She literally says he’s worth more than a fwb and that’s insulting to you lmao?
Are you really not seeing the issue? This could easily be interpreted as “I don’t find you physically attractive”, even if it wasn’t intended. Who in the world wants to hear that from their partner? It also could easily be interpreted as negging. Are people not allowed to feel aggrieved by that?
No, I am not seeing that cause she didn’t say it nor imply it lmao so I don’t see how you are? “Easily interpreted” is wild.
If someone said to you “you’re not someone I’d like to hook up with”, would that be more of a compliment or an insult to you?
Do you stop having sex when you get married or…?
She literally says he wouldn’t be a FWB to her, the implication being that she’s not attracted to him in that way. If this guy came back and said “I listened to that Jimmy Soul song and I realized that you could really make me happy for the rest of my life so let’s go for it” would the expectation be that she’s cool with that?
How is that an implication? She says he’s worth more than a fwb, all that extra shit I have no idea where y’all are getting from cause she never said he wasn’t attractive
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There’s a little undercurrent here of “Toughen up, men” you obviously misinterpreted this and you’re a little baby for being upset. Sorry, but that’s the same toxic masculinity bullshit that everyone decries in the abstract.
I mean it’s pretty much the cycle whenever men have legitimate issues about something in the cisgender heterosexual dynamic. (So glad I’m not a part of that). From my observations, it starts like this:
1- Someone asks men why they don’t do X thing or why they think in a Y way. (In this case thinking that such a compliment is backhanded and insulting)
2- Men answer why. (Explaining why they view it this way)
3- Some women who don’t like the answers, proceed to shame and try convincing the men into believing they’re the ones wrong, or acknowledge that it’s a legitimate issue but deflect the blame by saying “not all people do this”.
4- Guys see no reason to do or think any different than before and their beliefs are often reinforced. (Gender polarisation increases between men and women).
5- Go back to number 1 and start over.
It’s literally the same cycle over and over.
Yeah as a (mostly) het man this is a toxic dynamic I’ve encountered. I had one partner straight up say to me (paraphrasing a bit) “well I experience emotions more intensely than you so you have more a responsibility to be sensitive to me than I to you”.
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I think that’s a really bad faith interpretation of his comment
I this his comment is a bad faith interpretation of why this sort of thing makes women angry.
this is an exceptionally bad faith interpretation of their comment and you know it
Some women who don’t like the answers, proceed to shame and try convincing the men into believing they’re the ones wrong, or acknowledge that it’s a legitimate issue but deflect the blame by saying “not all people do this”. (We are here now)
Fuck yeah, it’s so awesome that I’m “some women” now.
Yeah, it’s easy to feel like the answer is to toughen up when that’s historically been the answer to everything. I fully believe that deconstructing patriarchal masculinity happens through healing of the emotional wounds that patriarchy inflicts on us through understanding and kindness. I also believe that everyone deserves to have their feelings validated. I don’t know if this space is the ideal place for all of that to happen, but if people are trying to use it that way I’m happy to participate.
I want to clarify that I’m not like super offended by the comment itself. Even though it can be interpreted as rude, it clearly wasn’t intended to be an insult, and I’m abso-fucking-lutely not interested in analyzing a relationship from a handful of sentences. It’s moreso the idea that the guy is wrong for being upset by it.
If they’ve been together almost 3 years and this is his response to something as innocuous as “I take this relationship seriously” she dodged a bullet.
No wait, the joke is that he understood her phrase as “I’m not really sexually attracted to you, but you feel good enough to settledown”
When she actually meant: “I don’t obly want to fuck you but also grow old with you, etc”
Oh I know. I also know guys who misinterpret a relationship maturing as it dying and I’m just saying that if she’s seeing it mature and he just thinks it’s all about jumping bones, then there’s some really serious lack of communication there.
Ah good point
A lot of hetero men do not value the last part above the first part. The “chad” who bangs “chicks” every night on his bedframe less bed, is still seen as aspirational, unlike the “beta” house-husband manwife who cooks for his wife, while she shacks up with her personal trainer or something.
Beyond not being able to truly judge a situation based on so little information, this is the single post of a throwaway account which then made no edits to the post or replies to any of the comments. Maybe it’s just me, but I always assume these cases are someone trying their writing skills or something of the sort.
Lots of people teying their writing eh
Yeah, it’s an overreaction to be sure, but I’m not sure I’d like hearing, “I wouldn’t give you a second glance if I saw you in the wild” either. Could be they were already going through some stuff and that was the final straw.
I don’t understand how that’s what what she said means
I don’t like heterosexuality.
Locking this thread.
124 comments / 58 upvotes
Lmao
if only they got this engaged at something important like Five nights at Freddy’s lore
lamest struggle session yet
Everyone here is siding with who they self inserted themselves into
Het moment
How is this not a huge compliment? Dating men is literally the worst cause they are like this.
It’s very easy to read as “I don’t find you super attractive but you seem like someone I could settle for once I’m done playing the field”
Her intent seems to be more “I don’t think I could have hooked up with you and moved on because of how special you are to me” but she phrased it in an ambiguous way
The first interpretation is extremely foreign to me. Do people just marry someone who they don’t like that much because they wanna settle down?
Yes all the time.
Yes thats most of the hetero marriages/long-term relationships. They simply grab the next person who “is there”. There is like a lot of silent expectations in hetero social circles to have an active relationship. I notice this everytime people do not know that I am gay yet hahaha.
I would say most marriages throughout history are basically exactly that. I may be won’t, but honestly I don’t think I’m wrong. It has a lot more to do with availability than compatibility (which can be developed, tbf)
(which can be developed, tbf)
I think this is a sticking point for me. My wife and I have worked hard and paid a lot of attention to make sure we’re both growing and that we’re growing closer instead of apart. I understand statistically that if I could somehow review billions of people that I could find someone more immediately compatible with me, so availability was a major factor for us. But we consistently have been told people are jealous of our relationship and we were barrels of red flags when we first got together. By the time we married we were excellent communicators who adored each other.
I don’t want to shame people who haven’t had this experience because I’ve clearly missed out on a lot and I’m not so naive as to think everyone could just git gud at relationships. The whole discussion just seems foreign to me as a result.
Amab. I get it but it sounds backhanded af. Like you’re with him more for security, comfort, resources, and less for personality or physical attraction (which isn’t the end all be all, but can help a person, y’know, get there). And it could be a multitude of things but idk saying that you wouldn’t boink your partner if they were in a line up of boinkable dudes while you were in a period that you really wanna boink doesn’t necessarily feel good. “I don’t want to have casual relations, but I would really like to marry you (for your womb to birth my offspring though)” - some strawman idk
As an “”““AMAB,””“” this left me scratching my head confused as fuck, and I still don’t understand how someone could be so upset by it. I’d love to hear nothing more than this from my partner.
Point for my gender being validated I guess but also a point for me hating cisheteronormative bullshit.
At this point IDK if this is for it against and idc, just pointing it how it could be an issue for most men. I’m not really one for marriage and would rather be single. I myself don’t want meaningless sex but to be exploratory(kinks, trauma, neuroses[basically amatuer sexual therapy and seeing what exactly makes me tick and what I actually like because I still don’t really know]) and if I would marry them I probably would’ve been fwbs at first, because idk I’m not one to care about ‘sanctity’, and would like to know I’m physically / sexuality compatible along with everything else. I just don’t see this as someone who’s prioritizing ownership of a hole and more of a physical insecurity by mentally comparing themselves to people they’ve fucked or would’ve fucked previously.
So what was she supposed to say to her bf of 2.5 years, “hey if I saw you on an app i’d totally have a meaningless one night stand with you and then never talk to you again”?
It seems to me that this man is just highly insecure that his gf may have had previous partners because he views her as his property basically.
I don’t see how someone telling their partner “if I saw you on the street I wouldn’t find you immediately attractive” is something that wouldn’t bother you. Maybe the dude is overreacting, especially since she seems conciliatory and apologetic, but if I’m suffering from a period of body dysmorphia and my S.O. tells me that it would hurt a lot. People like to feel desired and this compliment, intentional or not, could easily be taken as saying you’re not.
She said she wants to marry him. how is that not a huge compliment? it also definitely implies sexual attraction. if my partner said that to me I’d be
for weeks.If you’re in a good headspace I think your reaction is 100% percent typical and the right way to interpret it. The kicker is sometimes you just feel like shit about your body and that changes the way you understand it. I hope this guy gets over it because it clearly wasn’t meant that way, but he’ll have to work through his emotions to do it. It really does impede the way your mind works
“Man she’s hot, not like you though honey, remember I married you, because I love you, not because I enjoy sex with you.”
I don’t think anybody should be comparing anyone to their partner(s) and doing this will always lead to issues. Saying I’d rather marry you than bang you is kinda an issue, not because they aren’t going to bang but it can hurt because of whatever insecurities they might have.
My girlfriend occasionally notes she’d have noticed me at a party or in the streets if I wore that outfit before we were together as a compliment, which is nice, I assume it’s more in that realm and not “I don’t care about you at all but you’re hot”
I think every one earth wants to be considered hot, smart, and funny. If your partner says something that comes off as suggesting you are not one of those things, it can be hurtful.
It’s a backhanded and insulting “compliment”. It can easily be seen as if she’s saying that she’s settling down and he’s not her first choice, or that she doesn’t see him as physically attractive but wants to have a long term relationship with him because of the “security” he offers. Pretty much almost every man that’s attracted to women in some way will see this as a backhanded compliment or negging. No one wants it to be implied or told that they’re not sexy or fun.
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Yeah other people are pointing out ways that it could sound backhanded, but unless she said it in a pissed off voice it seems innocent and much more thoughtful than the more usual compliments you might think of.
