Probably best to start with a trigger warning, as I will be covering molestation. Sadly, not the sort where moles are just doing their duties.
YouTube just served me this. (very much a trans-friendly link)
And I was basically left wondering who the hell feels threatened by others being themselves. I hope this will not come across as inappropriate from a nominally cishet male.
My background is hopefully not normal. At the age of 6, I was repeatedly involved in anal sex with a neighbour (his idea). Not to be outdone, a female cousin six years my elder babysitting me a year later introduced me to kinks that one should not know at 7 but would later inform my relationship choices in a less-than-ideal manner.
That would take another 23 years, but my first real relationship, in college, was with a woman whom I like to claim I lost my virginity to (so as to avoid having to bring any of this up) that I also ended up in discussions with about being a sperm donor for her and her wife years later.
After her, my year as a raver started. One learns very quickly not to assume a goddamn thing about anyone’s sexuality or gender identity in that environment. It took two years in college to get to the point that I’d slept with more women than men, and just a few years ago, I started talking with a guy who I had to ask “are we flirting?” when our conversations felt more like what I was used to on intentional dates.
Hence “nominally.”
So I have always been somewhat in orbit of the queer community without ever considering myself part of it. Indeed, a big reason I chose Beehaw was because inclusivity is just the sort of thing one should engage in.
But this video was a maddening experience (I mean, I totally agree with the presenter), given that I don’t see who’s threatened by the existence of the trans community. Unless you’re pinning me down and forcing me to do things I don’t want to do, what you do in your life is not my concern.
I again apologise for what is likely a very basic question, but I just don’t get this. There are so many things to be concerned about in the world, and my god, I thought we’d gotten past petty shit like othering people. How my second wife was proudly bi and somewhat racist (first wife, same deal, minus the racism) was a confusing juxtaposition, but I was in a bit too deep by the time that became apparent.
After that divorce, I ended up with a coworker I didn’t even realise was a lesbian (she’d say I turned her bi), so straight is simply not normal to me. How is this a standard assumption, and how the existence of trans people are an existential threat is baffling, unless we take the view that straight people have more kids, which is what capitalism needs to forever feed the growth beast.
Is it as simple at that? I’m going through some stuff currently that makes me ill-equipped to dive down the research rabbit hole, so I’m reaching out here in the hope of understanding without spending several hours getting angry.
I think a lot of people who don’t like trans people are probably something between resentful and defensive. They’ve spent their lives dutifully cramming themselves into a little pink or blue box; when they see that we readily disregard what they see as binding them, I could see that either seeming unfair or scaring the hell out of them.
If I can become a woman, live in the world and be happy with it and even grow my own genuine home grown organic titties, that has implications for what’s possible for others. Maybe even them. They may not want to transition, but there are probably things they’d like to do that they don’t allow themselves because of gender.
They could just follow our example and just do whatever they want too, but there’s probably a bit of a feeling of sunken cost, as well as the conflict between the obvious appeal and self evident goodness of freedom and the dumb bullshit they put themselves through.
60% sour grapes, 30% internalized fear of themselves, 10% thinking it’s cool and funny to hate on queers; something like that. That’s my guess.
This is my guess as well. And I think for female transphobes, a big part of it is internalised misogyny. On some level, they hate women, but can’t admit it because they are a woman, so they hate trans women (who they see as choosing to be women) and they hate trans men (who they see as also hating women and choosing not to be one). The reason I think this is an awful lot of female transphobes also seem to spend a lot of time judging other women for a lot of things: being too poor, too black, having too many children, not enough children, having too many partners, not enough partners, being a sex worker, having too high-powered a career, being insufficiently ambitious/aspirational. The only common factor appears to be hating all women who aren’t them.
Seems like every time I hear about some “TERF” (as if they’re feminists, bleh!) more than just a little, they’re also a raging “antifeminist” (misogynist). Tons of “blah blah blah that’s not a real woman” but out of the other side of their mouth it’s a bunch of rhetoric about a “woman’s place” and how women should find a man and serve quietly or shouldn’t be allowed to vote or whatever. So, this comment really fits well with a bunch of stuff I keep seeing: seems like a bunch of the women pushing this crap have just eaten up misogyny or are grifting on it.
It’s probable that my taste in partners stems from a complete rejection of gender roles given being told by my mom that “women can’t rape men” when, well … all fucking evidence to the contrary.
To me, a “real woman” doesn’t need a man, given the implications of that idea. Even the ones I’ve ended up with have tended to talk a big game about feminist ideals, but when the power bill needs to be paid, why can’t I just do that? Like, you have Firefox and the login credentials, and we have a joint account, so … what’s actually going on there?
My longest relationship featured power exchange, though in about the most unhealthy way possible. I don’t want to wear the pants; I want someone who makes my life easier. A partner. To the point that when I’ve had joint accounts, what I suggested was that we look at joint expenses, then divide that up to the basis points by current income levels, such that we’re both contributing the same percentage.
In both cases, I was making more, so I contributed more. But that seemed equitable and the only way that we were jointly helping each other. In no world does it make sense for me to just keep an extra $10,000 for myself because my career is longer.
I want someone to challenge me, to provide input, not someone who wants to coast on having “found a man.” But from my experience, even with independent ideas, this imbalance is so ingrained that it’s treated as a given.
Doesn’t even have to be gender or sexuality related; the fact that you can change such a major characteristic of your body in order to be who you truly are and become happier can feel like their problems they are perhaps fighting are miniscule and so how is it possible that they didn’t solve them for their whole lives?
Basically envy exists, too. And since something “not normal” made you happy (while they struggle with simpler things) you must be actually weird and the fact that you’re happy is an anomaly.